trying to feel better

day 144

12.8.2020
9:35 am

I had another dream with E last night. I'm only writing them down here so I don't forget them. In the dream I had left for college. It was like an hour from were we lived. So in my head I thought that I'd miss him so much.

But then I found out he's taking a class at my school so like twice a week he'd be on campus. When I found this out all of a sudden me and E were hanging out with some friends.

We were being super flirty and then we went to my like bathroom/closet. And when we get there we call my best friend. And in the dream we're like telling her what do we do cause we were like we wanna kiss each other. And it feels right but we don't know what to do.

It was weird but if felt like something we'd do lol. E and I would definitely call my best friend for advice. But that was pretty much the dream.

It was kind of lame but I do remember in the dream our mutual friend who's younger and has a real life crush on E was super jealous. In the dream she kept on trying to like third wheel or make sure me and E couldn't have alone time.

Also in the dream me and E started like making out and taking off our clothes until the mutual friend came and knocked on the door. And we had to get dressed super fast before she saw us lmao.

I honestly hate getting dreams like this of E cause when I wake up that's all I can think of. The feeling that I felt in the dream. Of being with him in a relationship. Of kissing him. And then when I wake up I realize it's all not real.

And maybe it'll never be real. Or maybe it will. But only time will tell. But it's kind of frustrating when you've been waiting so long for something that just never comes.

I'm nervous but excited too. The position that me and E are in right now is so crazy. It's like we like each other but nobody is making the first move. No body is willing to be the first to say something. And I know I'm not gonna say anything and that what I hate about myself.

I'm just scared of rejection.