trying to feel better

day 566

02.12.22
7:38 pm

I can't help but think that maybe if things had gone differently, today E and I would've celebrated Valentine's Day. Before this entire mess, he had asked me to be his valentine and I said yes. But I'm glad things happened the way they did.

Cause honestly maybe this is the only way I'd be able to let go of him. Maybe this is the push I needed in order to throw me over the edge and admit defeat. Admit that as much as I may have wanted him, I no longer want him.

The girl he's involved with romantically broke things off with him. She went back to her ex. It's hard not to feel like saying I told you so, cause I knew this would be the outcome.

Every time E gets involved with a girl he puts his all into them. He's never done that with me. He gives these girls everything he has to offer so there's no doubt as to why he is always left empty. And maybe that's why he's kept me around.

Cause I've accepted him with his emptiness and I've filled him up with myself. I've poured myself into him time and time again. Draining myself to save him. I never should've done that cause that is how this codependency happened.

I was talking to our mutual friend, in front of E, about how it's completely disgusting how some guys simply want to lead you on and then use you for sex. It's so weird that they feel the need to lead you on when from the start they should be honest.

E then had to point out that he never did that with me. Maybe that's how he sees it, but he kind of made me feel led on. He kind of made me feel like all he wanted was sex cause of the way he gave himself to this new girl.

But karma is real. And it came back to him. He may not see it now, but he hurt me. And just because he's no longer talking to this girl doesn't mean I want us to be friends again. That doesn't mean things are just magically going back to normal.

If I'm being honest, E kind of makes me feel weird now. I look at him and truly cannot believe that he was someone I cried about. I can't believe he's the one I had sex with. It's weird. He looks like himself, but he also looks nothing like who I knew him to be.

Sort of feels like I can finally see him for who he truly is and I don't like the person he has become. I love him cause he was so important to me, but I just don't like him anymore.

And I think there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's okay to realize that maybe all he was was a mistake that needed to happen for my growth. In order for me to release myself from his grip.

I'm happy. I'm at peace. I'm so content with life and all the things that are going on around me. I'm building my relationship with God back up and life is amazing. Also, I'm gonna be an aunt this summer!!

I've realized when you let go of the bad you let in the good. 2022 is my year.