trying to feel better

day 595

03.13.22
10:59 pm

I'm not sure if I've ever told you guys this, but I'm the middle child. And I believe middle child syndrome is real. But that's not true with my case. I was the youngest sibling for about 8 in a half years of my life. At that age, we got my youngest sister who we later on adopted.

So although that may have made me the middle child it didn't feel that way because my youngest sister is like my baby. I helped raise her and I still do now at 21. But my oldest sister and I never got along. We never had the best relationship. And I blame her.

We are very different. She's more introverted and she's very selfish. She believes her opinions are the only right ones. She thinks that she knows everything. And she also hates church.

It's crazy how we were both raised in the same household except only one of us believes in God. Only one of us still goes to church faithfully. And genuinely I blame my parents for that.

My entire life I've been independent. From the moment I learned to dress myself, I felt like I no longer needed anyone. Now my sister on the other hand literally still wet the bed until about 9 years old.

Looking back at my childhood I wasn't really raised in the most affectionate household. My dad was more loving than my mother. And I think that's why I constantly look for her approval cause I guess growing up I felt like it was easy disappointing her.

Growing up I was always the one with better grades. I was better in school and I had lots of friends. Growing up my mom would put pressure on me to make sure I was the best. Making sure that I wasn't a failure. So while she pushed me, she sort of was lenient with my older sister.

She expected failure from her. She expected laziness. She expected the worst. While for me she expected success. She expected hard work. She expected the best out of me.

And I'm glad she did that. I'm glad she pushed me because I am an incredible woman. But the downside is that I don't ever think I truly felt loved as a child. I think I lash out and have an attitude because my mother never made home feel like a safe space. She never allowed me to talk to her about my struggles or boys. Or about anything.

All of that caused me to hide my pain. It caused me to think I had to deal with everything on my own. Which caused me to never have a good relationship with my sister. I've never spoken to her about anything personal. I've never felt that I could tell her a secret and she'd give me advice or help me.

I feel like she'd be a judgemental bitch.

Now at the ages of 21 and 25, we don't get along. We go very much head to head. And I know I'm wrong for that. I know that as a good Christian I have to set an example of being a good person. But I cannot stand her. I don't hate her cause she's my sister. I'd do anything for her if she asked, but I'm over it.

I'm done with always being expected to be nice to her. I'm done with always being made out to seem like the bad person. I'm over being the golden child. I'm not jealous of how my parents treat her instead of me.

My parents are so submissive to her cause she moved out. They don't see her as much and now she's pregnant so they're extra submissive. And I can't stand it. It's not that I want that attention. It's just that I wish I had a better relationship with her and then I'd also be submissive.

But honestly, I feel left out. I feel like my voice and my opinion are shut out when it comes to her. And I don't know what to do.

I feel like I have lots of inner child healing to do. I feel like I kind of want to go see a therapist. Genuinely get some help. I know God hears me. I know God sees me and he sees my tears. I know God is there, but sometimes it's extra hard. It's extra hard when I feel like he's not listening. But then out of nowhere, something happens and it could be the smallest thing that just reminds me that he's there.

And that's why I love God so much. That's why I'm so heavy on my religion cause I know how real God is. And I know the amazing things he's done in my life. That it's like how can I not follow him. How can I not believe in him? My God is amazing and I don't know where I'd be without him.

I just to heal. I need God to heal my heart and mind. I need to just be alone with God for a while.