trying to feel better

day 592

03.10.22
10:05 pm

The image translates to; "I knew it wasn't there, but I was happy."

And that describes exactly how I feel about E. I knew there was no future. I knew nothing good would come from us. I knew he could never be everything I've always wanted. He could never be everything I've prayed for. But for some reason, it didn't matter cause I thought, no I believed, I was happy.

Everything in my body was telling me to run, but I believed that E was my source of happiness. And for so long I gave him that power over me. And I'll admit I get jealous hearing him talk about other girls. Hearing him talk about girls who look nothing like me being attractive.

Cause it makes me think; What did he possibly see in me? But then again he nutted in me.

I don't romantically love him. But I believe I'm attached to him. I believe that he will forever have a piece of me because he's the one who took my virginity. He'll always be important to me, but I need to take back the power I've given him.

For so long I held out hope that he and I would one day work out. That one day he'd wake up and realize my worth. That one day he'd look at me and see everything he's ever wanted. But I've realized that I can't make him see my worth. I can't make him feel what I want him to feel.

I'm am more than enough. He simply doesn't know what enough is. I am so worthy of love. I am worthy of a man who will put me first. A man who will know exactly what he wants. A man who will not string me along. A man who isn't E.

E is just my teenage fantasy. He's the person I've been crushing on and off since I was about 16 years old. It's insane what has happened within these past almost 6 years.

I need to move on and let the feelings I have for him go. I've prayed to God time and time again to remove these feelings, but for some reason, he hasn't taken the feelings away. And maybe it's because a part of me doesn't want the feelings to go cause if they go then I'd move on. And if I moved on I'd have to start all over again.

I think I fear that I don't want to start all over again. I think I'm afraid that I'll never find the connection I have with E in anyone else. I'm scared to allow someone to know me the way he does. Cause he knows me like a fucking book. And I hate it.

I think my commitment issues stem from the fear of being vulnerable. I'm so closed off that I don't want to let anyone else in and that's wrong. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to change.

But I know I need to change. I think I'm going to start my healing journey. I think I'm going to try and heal my heart. I'm going to try to heal my mind. I need to heal in order to let go of the bad.

Honestly having him back in my life makes things complicated. When we didn't talk I was great. I was happy alone. But now I want to be on the phone with him. Now I want to be around him. I think I'm just comfortable with him. I think I'm just using him and that's not fair.

I need to find comfort in myself not someone else. I have a lot of healing to do. And God willing this healing process will guide me to the one that's meant for me.