trying to feel better

day 780

09.15.22
11:08 pm

We had sex and it ruined everything.

I don't understand what happened, but the minute we had sex everything felt different. The last time we had sex was over a month ago and we were in such an amazing place. No arguments. No fighting. Nothing but happiness.

Then we have sex last we and we barely talk. We're usually on the phone at least once a day. So already that was weird and it felt like something was off. We go out Sunday with my best friend and her boyfriend and things feel weird. There's like a disconnect.

I texted him and he completely dismissed it. Completely looked it over and now I'm pissed. I've noticed that when we have sex that's when I get all in my feelings. Things with me shift. And that is why I believe so strongly that soul ties are a REAL THING. Don't have sex with just anybody plz!

At this point, I'm over it. I'm done with him. I have no more tears to cry. I have no more energy to give. I have no more love to sacrifice. I'm done. I need to move on. I need him out of my life. Like this needs to be over and done with.

I want to grow. I want to have passions. I'm finally in a place where I want to actually go back to school again. I've been doing research and I want to enroll in college. I wanna finish and become that teacher that I always knew I could be.

I want to make myself and my parents proud. I want to be able to provide for myself in the case that I end up alone. I think I've never allowed myself to let him go because I'm afraid I'll end up alone. I'm afraid that I won't find anyone else.

But the thing is what it holding onto him is holding me back from someone or something greater. Maybe he's holding me back with all his lies. Cause at this point his "feelings" for me are straight up BULLSHIT.

I want him gone and out of my life. I truly want nothing to do with him. I want to fix my relationship with God. I want to be more involved in church. I want to set goals for myself. Going back to school is already scary.

I'm scared I'll fail again. I'm scared that even if I give it my all it'll still never be enough. This time I really want to take it seriously. This time I don't want to waste my early 20s by failing school again. I want to succeed and become a teacher. I want to have a classroom of my own. I want to work with students.

As scared as I am I'm also really excited to embark on this journey. I've given myself a year to prepare. I'm applying now and God willing I get accepted into the school that suits me best. And this time next year I'll be in school officially.

I'm excited to get back out there. Maybe find the man of my dreams or some really good friends. I just want change. I'm tired of being in this same cycle. I want something different. And I'm trying to stay motivated even though my fear loves to take over.

I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing this for my future. I'm doing this to prove that I've still got it. Yes, it'll be a long road and I won't truly be a teacher until I'm 26 years old. But this is what I want and I think I'm finally ready.