trying to feel better

day 906

12.05.22
11:51 pm

I lied. I don't wanna stop having sex with him. I don't wanna see him move on. I don't want us to stop being us. I don't want him to be with someone else. Or be inside of someone else.

When I broke things off I meant sex not everything else that came with it. I didn't mean to imply that our feelings were gone as well. But I honestly don't know what I feel for him.

I've always assumed that I had strong feelings for him. That at one point I thought I loved him. But I think I like the feeling of being close to someone. Of being intimate with someone. Of having someone know me better than anyone else. Of having a best friend type of lover.

I don't think it's ever really been about him. I think it's been about the history. Having sex with him felt right because of the history. The thought of having sex with anyone else right now scares me cause there's no relationship.

I think I've been using him without realizing it.
I think he's my teenage fantasy.

When he and I first started messing around we were very immature. And my best friend would always say that he was my teenage fantasy cause I never had anything like him when I was younger.

I'm a late bloomer and my fantasy has always been him. And I finally got him. But now I don't want him. Am I the problem?

I just think I'm better off on my own. I'm so independent and he is super dependent on me. He's always calling and wanting to be around me. And I love the attention, but I also love being alone. I love being left alone.

I thought I loved him. I thought he was everything I ever wanted. I thought he'd be my ultimate love.

But he's not. He's my fantasy.

A fantasy I never experienced up until now.

I got him and now I don't want him.

This journal went in the complete opposite direction. I think I miss the attachment. I miss the intimacy. I miss feeling vulnerable without actually being vulnerable.

I'm the problem. But fuck it. I'm young and love comes and goes.