trying to feel better

day 1004

02.28.23
12:40 am

I'm his little secret.

And I don't how I feel about that. Part of me feels almost happy cause I have the upper hand. Like I have control over the situation almost. But another part of me is questioning why he hasn't told her.

I know he hasn't told her about us. I haven't asked him, but I just know because of how she talks to me. She trusts me. She feels comfortable around me. So either she doesn't know or she's an amazing actress.

But I think she doesn't know. Something in me knows him and I know how he lies. Or manipulates things to his convenience. And I think it's wrong. He's wrong for not telling her. For allowing her to feel comfortable around a girl he's had sex with. Allowing her to trust the person he was recently involved with.

And maybe if she knew she'd feel confident because he chose her, but what's taking him so long to tell her? What's he holding onto? Cause I'd feel betrayed if he didn't tell me about someone he was involved with.

I'm trying my best though. I'm trying my hardest to not be angry with him. To not be harsh and mean to him but it's hard. I try and make conversation but once we start to talk I feel like lashing at him. Or my answers stay harsh.

I'm trying to be okay around him. But it's hard because I can't stand him. I can't really stand being around him. Or if he offers to do something for me I feel like I need to do it myself. To show him that I don't need him. Never did.

Sunday we went out with the church. It was a big group and when we sat down he ended up right in front of me. And I'd like to think it a coincidence. He wanted to pour my drink and I refused. He didn't even pour his girlfriend a drink so I wasn't going to let him do it for me.

Then he took his girlfriend's gum and started handing it out to everyone. He offered me a piece and I said no I had my own. But then my best friend told me I was wrong. And so I reached my hand out and he gave me the gum.

He gave me the last piece that I'm pretty sure he was going to give his girlfriend. And when he handed it to me he had a smirk. The smirk of just knowing what the vibe was. It felt like a peace offering but I know he knows.

He has to know I'm hurt. He has to know I'm upset. And if he doesn't, at the right time he'll know. When the time comes we'll have that conversation. When the time comes I'll say my peace even if it hurts him to hear what I have to say.

And I'll be ready to confront him.