trying to feel better

day 632

04.19.22
11:19 pm

These past two weeks E has been very distant with me. I'm not sure why or if there's something I did, but it's kind of annoying. It's annoying when someone you care about distances themselves from you for no reason.

Anytime we talk it's awkward. He's kind of cold towards me and just not himself in general. But I'm tired of always trying to fix him. I'm tired of always going out of my way to make him feel better. I no longer have it in me to fix him. He's no longer my problem.

Yes, I care about him. Yes, I love him. Yes, he's important to me. But I can't give him any more of me. I'm stretched out to the max. I've poured so much of myself into him and he's never been grateful.

I don't know if I did something wrong. Or if I upset him. I don't know if I said something or maybe he's talking to someone romantically and doesn't want me to know. I genuinely don't know. And I want to say I don't care, but I do. A part of me will always have a soft spot for him sadly.

It's hard though. I've been thinking these past few weeks and I genuinely regret everything I did with E. I feel like our friendship was so impacted by everything that happened. You don't have sex with your friend and just move on like normal.

No matter how much we act normal or say everything's fine. Nothing is fine. Nothing is the same as it was before. And until we realize the humongous mistake we made we'll constantly be living in this denial period we call normal.

I don't know how to move on from him. I pray my feelings to go away. I try to not think about him or entertain the idea of him. But there's just this part that holds onto hope. This part that maybe things will be different.

But I'm exhausted emotionally and mentally. Everything around me feels so hard. It feels like my faith is being tested. It feels like God is seeing if I'll crack under the pressure.

At church, the youth mean everything to me. I care for each of them so much. I love each of them in different ways. Cause they're each different people and that's what makes them amazing. Each of them comes with a different attitude. A different mindset. A different language pallet. They're each so different.

And it hurts me to see them hurting. It hurts me to see them being neglected. And it feels like there's only so much I can do. It feels like God is seeing if I could figure this out on my own. But it's more than just that.

Life feels like it's not my own. Everything around me feels distant. It feels like I'm living in limbo. I don't know what to do or how to feel.

I pray that all those who are feeling like this. Those who are feeling hopeless and maybe even desperate for change find it. I pray you find healing and happiness again. 🤍