trying to feel better

day 792

09.27.22
11:03 pm

I think this is the end. I think this is going to be my last journal for a while. Cause I made this with the hopes of finding myself. With the hopes of figuring my feelings out. Trying to communicate with myself. And I found those things. But then I lost them.

It's funny how life works. Writing my feelings down has truly helped and impacted me. Rereading these entries makes me feel everything all over again. Sometimes I love it and other times I hate the way it makes me feel.

I'm young and because of that, I have no idea where my life is headed. I know how ambitious I can be. I know how badass I am. But I also know the fear that surrounds me. I also know the failure that I've come across. I'm 22 years old and my heart can't take any more heartbreak.

I'm done with trying to fix things with E. I'm over him and the situation. I think I have been for a while now actually. I think I only like him cause he likes me. I think I just want company but a temporary company.

The picture says "we deserve to be more" but fuck that. I don't want more from him. I want nothing from him. I've never wanted anything from him. Just honesty and genuine feelings. But I think that was too much to ask for and I am exhausted.

I think it's really too late. I think if he ever decided to fix himself or try and be what I want that I'd ignore it. I'd ignore him. I'm done. I want something new. Someone new and exciting. I want a fresh start with someone else and some better. And I know God has that person for me.

I just think I have to fully let go of E in order to have that. So I don't want to sit down with him and talk it out. I don't want to hear his side. I don't want to hear if he's hurt or annoyed. I'm done. I've given him all I can give and he never deserved it.

He never deserved the love I gave. Or the happiness I brought to him. He deserved nothing from me. I gave too much and he gave too little. I kept pushing waiting for him to pull. Spoiler alert he never pulled.

He always complains about how I don't reassure him. But when I tried to give the reassurance he made me feel like I was crazy. Like it was one-sided. Fuck him. Fuck his reassurance. And most importantly FUCK HIS FEELINGS.

I no longer have it in me to care. I don't want to be friends. I don't want any ties to him. It's over this time. I'm officially done. And that's on the record bitch!