trying to feel better

day 737

08.03.22
11:51 pm

I turn 22 years old in 28 days.

I'm excited but also nervous. I feel so old even though I'm not. I just feel as though I've matured so much at my age. I've been through so much and I'm still learning. I'm still experiencing life. I'm still making many mistakes.

I'm grateful for all the life lessons I've learned. I'm grateful for everything God has given and taken away from me. Everything, good and bad, has been for my benefit in some shape or form.

This year I get to celebrate my birthday with my girl best friend. She's more like a sister to me and I couldn't imagine my life without her. We're 4 days apart. And every year for the past 3 years we've been in different cities for our birthdays. This year we'll finally be in the same city and I'm so excited.

As for E and I, he made it clear once again that a relationship isn't in the cards. He continues to say he doesn't want a relationship with me or anybody else, but all I can here is that for some reason I'm not good enough. Which I know isn't true and I know those aren't his intentions.

But it just hurts feeling like you are not good enough for someone. It hurts feeling like you can satisfy all these parts of a person except for one. It's like why am I good enough to have sex with and be romantic with, but a relationship just wouldn't work?

It doesn't make sense to me, but I respect it and understand that I have to move on. I just don't know how to do that.

He went on vacation and called me drunk. He went on and said how I was his best friend. How no other girls matter. He kept telling me he loves me and that he needed to know how much he loved me. That if he hasn't said it enough that he loves me.

And I love him too. I mean I'll forever love him. He's my other half even though everyone may hate the thought of us together. He's my twin flame.

I don't have plans yet for my birthday, but I'm hoping my best friend and I make them soon. I just want to drink and have fun when I turn 22.

I want my 22nd year around the sun to be filled with love and light. I want no more heartbreaks and no more boy trouble. I want to be happy this next year and that is the goal.