trying to feel better

day 147

12.12.20
12:20 am

I've been looking through recent videos of me and E. I miss him a lot. It's just so insane. How I miss his annoying laugh. And I miss how his nostrils flare open when he laughs really hard. I miss his hugs and the smell of his cologne. I miss his smile.

It's only been a week since I last saw him and I won't be able to see him again for another week cause of something that happened. We've texted once this week and I wanna tell him i miss him, but I'm scared that he'll thinks it's weird. Or maybe he'll say the same back.

But this is why I keep saying that I think I'm in love with him. Cause when I don't see him I miss him so much. I just want to be around him everyday. He lives in my head rent free LMAOO.

The last time I saw him when we went out to eat dinner, he was wearing the hoodie I picked out for him. I guess he might've worn it too just like show off that I picked it out. Or maybe it was just the outfit that he wanted.

But no matter what I want to believe that he wore it because of the fact that I picked it out. Cause he pointed it out and that made me happy. I just miss him. And I hate that we're wasting our time. That we're just constantly beating around the Bush.

I don't want to waste any time. If me and him are meant to be even just for a few months then I want it. I want my greatest and most epic love to be with him even if it doesn't last. I want to feel all the emotions and I want to treasure them.

I want him to make my heart hurt in all the best ways. I want us to plan our future. To plan what our future kids will look like. What's their names will be. I want all of that.

And as I write this I'm crying because thinking of all this makes my heart ache. My heart aches cause I'm scared that maybe I won't get it. Or that if I do get it that it'll be nothing like what I imagined.

I just want to be happy. Today I was speaking with his mom on the phone and randomly she told me that If E were to ask me to marry him she'd be the happiest woman ever.

And honestly I agree cause if I heard those words come out his mouth I think my heart would explode from so much happiness.

I guess this entry is just about missing him. I don't know if I should tell him I miss him or not. but I do.

I miss you so much E.