trying to feel better

day 981

02.02.23
12:04 am

I feel so numb. I feel so alone. I feel so hurt. I feel so angry. And it's all because of him.

I can't believe he was my best friend at one point. I hate him. I hate everything about him. He's the worst person I know. He's the one person who always makes me feel small. He's the only person who can make me shrink at the sound of his words.

I hate him so much right now. But I feel numb. I feel like I've got so many tears and so much pain, but nothing is coming out.

I saw that he and his new friend have matching sweaters. At first, I assumed he had given her his sweater and that pissed me off. So I called him and asked him if it was his sweater. I just so happened to be with my girl best friend and she began to ask him all the questions that I wouldn't have asked myself.

And come to find out he had been lying about a few things. And in my mind I wasn't surprised, but she was. She and her fiancé were so shocked at how much he lied. I told her I'm not surprised. I told her I'd been dealing with this for almost two years. I'm not crazy he's just a fucking liar.

When I went to hang up he was upset and hung up first. He texted asking me to call when I got home. I was driving that night so I got home a bit late. I guess that upset him so he no longer wanted to talk.

But I've always felt disregarded when it comes to him. I've always felt less than everything he wanted for him. As if I wasn't good enough. Like he wasn't ready for a relationship with me because of me. Like I was the problem. But I'm not the problem.

He's always made me feel small. He's always had the upper hand. And I've always shut down when it came to arguments with him. I've always felt that I couldn't say anything or fight back because I'm scared of what the answer would be.

My best friend asked him if he had feelings for his new friend and he hesitated. He delayed his response. He said no not really. What type of fucking answer is that. We had sex two weeks ago and we haven't spoken once. And when we did finally speak shit hit the fence.

I hate him with everything in me. I don't want to see his face. I don't want to hear his voice. I don't even want to be in his presence. But sadly I don't have that luxury because I have to see him at church.

And I hate it because his friend also goes to church. I have nothing against her honestly. But I just feel like he's gonna make me seem two-faced with her. I just imagine that he's been talking to her. Hanging out with her. Doing the things he and I did with her.

And it breaks my heart.

He was my best friend. I thought I'd always have him in my life. I'm so angry at him that I'm even taking it out on his mom. I no longer have the patience to deal with her. I hate the way he affects me. I hate the power he has over me.

I hate that this feels so hard. We weren't even together. We never even had a chance at being boyfriend and girlfriend. We failed from the start. And I hate where we stand right now.

But I pray that when he moves on he treats the next girl better. I pray he gives her everything he felt he could never give to me. I pray he treats her the way she deserves to be treated. I pray he values her and reassures her. I pray he treats her nothing like the way he treated me.

And it breaks my heart because I wish he could fix himself for me. I wish he'd learn from his mistakes. I wish he would change for me, but he won't because I'm not the one he wants. And it hurts realizing that.

It hurts because it makes me feel like I'm not enough, but I know I'm enough. I know I deserve someone who values me. Someone who will love me for me. Someone who will reassure me. Someone who will give me everything he never could.

So as much as it hurts, I'll wait for the day everything falls into place.

But right it hurts so fucking much. I just feel like I can't take it anymore. My heart is so broken. My heart hurts so much. I'm exhausted. I'm mentally and emotionally drained.

But this is all my fault. I take full responsibility. Everyone told me he wasn't good for me. Everyone said he wasn't the one. But I insisted. And here I am.

I pray God heals my broken heart cause it hurts.