trying to feel better

day 1000

02.23.23
12:10 pm

I miss him and I think that's normal. I miss who he once was. I miss the person I fell for. I miss my best friend. But he's no longer any of that. He's no longer my person. And I think it's natural to miss him.

I've been doing good. I've been able to let go of the pain and anger. It still hurts a bit to think of how everything went down. It hurts that I lost my best friend. It hurts that he is in a relationship. It hurts cause I almost feel like it should've been me.

And I hate that feeling. I hate saying it should've been me cause maybe it was never gonna be me. Maybe God had other plans and this is all a part of that plan. Maybe he and I were never meant to be and this heartbreak was meant to happen for us to both move on.

I read something that said, "thank you for letting me go 'cause I don't think I would've left on my own." And I'm thankful he let me go. I'm thankful he moved on and did the one thing he said he couldn't do with me. His moving on is forcing me to move on.

And as much as I want a relationship right now, I feel like my focus is on my relationship with God. I feel like I'm most at peace when I'm focusing on God. When I'm reading the Bible and praying.

I think I was so focused on him that I let my relationship with God go downhill and now I'm focused on healing that. Healing the bond I had with God. Healing the relationship I let go. And it's making me happy and bringing me peace.

And I think once me and God are 4lifers again that a relationship with a guy will come. But it's not like I'm in a rush. I just know that when the time is right a man will walk into church and I'll just know. I'll take one look and I'll know.

I also need to heal myself. Allow me to love myself. Allow myself to get to know me better. I feel like I lost a lot of me with him. I feel like I gave so much of myself to him that I lost parts of myself. I abandoned myself to make him happy all the time. So now I need to relearn what I like and who I am.

It's all a process. The healing isn't gonna happen overnight. But it's been a little over a week now and I'm feeling better. One day I feel great like I'm making progress and then the next day I feel like I'm sulking in the pain. So it's a process and I'm willing to make all the effort to get better. 

Breakups suck. Especially when you were never actually together and you were also best friends. Cause it feels like I lost two people. A potential boyfriend and my other half. My comfort person. It sucks but I'm learning to be without him. To not be so dependent on him.

And it's relieving not having his name come up on my phone. Or having his mom always looking for me. It's like I have peace, but I know you can't just up and walk away from people. Cause some of them will fight back. Some people will want an explanation or want to apologize.

But hearing an apology doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make what they did right. So I'm just taking it day by day.

I speak a few words to him at church. Cause I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bully. Someone told me I can't treat bad with bad. So I'm treating bad with good. But I have my guard up. I don't think I'll ever trust him again as a person. But I'm also not gonna be an asshole.

I just pray he finds peace. And I pray I find peace. I pray we both move on and are happy without each other.