trying to feel better

day wtf

09.24.23
9:08 pm

he broke up with his girlfriend.

I'm in shock. Like I thought I believed him, but then he was still up her ass at church. He doesn't want anyone to know. He doesn't want anyone to be in his business. But that hurt my feelings and I don't know why.

It made me jealous thinking he was being too nice knowing he broke up with her. It's like why the fuck would you tell me you broke up if you're not even going to act like it.

And then I know you want to hang out. I know exactly what you want to do cause now there's nothing in the way of us having sex again. Except I'm going to make it very clear that he better not try and rekindle anything with me if he's still involved with her in any way.

He's messy. Dealing with him is messy. He needs to get his shit together. I'm tired of always guessing where we stand. I'm exhausted from having all these feelings for him. I'm done with not knowing what I want from him.

It's like how can I even think of getting involved with someone that I don't even know what I want from them? It's complicated per usual. And I hate complicated.

I hate being in this limbo but it's like what can I do? Honestly, what do I do?

It's like obviously I can't expect him to just ignore her completely. They just broke up. There's still lots of feelings involved. But I hate how this is messing with my head. I hate that I'm jealous. Cause I am.

I'm jealous he broke up with her but is still up her ass. I'm jealous he dumped her but is probably still talking to her and texting her. I'm mad and there's no reason for it.

I don't want to get involved. I don't want to be apart of the rebound. I don't want that he and I get close again and then she's like wtf. Cause that looks terrible. He and I going back to whatever we were and she notices and that'll be the day for a scandal. Then she'll be like it was me all along.

And it wasn't. We it was but not really. At least not of lately. This is intense and I don't wanna be in any of this. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I'm confused again.