trying to feel better

day 554

01.30.22
11:24 pm

I've been doing good lately. I've been content and kind of healing I guess. Having zero contact with E has felt really good. I feel like maybe that's wrong to say or it's wrong to feel, but I feel at peace.

I've realized that these past few months I've always been on edge. Always been overthinking or angry. I've lashed out at my parents for months without them even being the reason for my anger. This past week has shown me that I've been miserable these past months.

I've given E so much power over my emotions. I've allowed him to walk all over me. I've allowed him to gaslight every situation. He's been the source of my anger these past few months and I'm tired of this cycle.

I talked with him today and he told me he feels that I hate him. He feels that I'm upset and jealous of this new girl. That I wish it was me. But it's like he hasn't been listening to anything I've said. I specifically told him I'm not angry. I'm not jealous. I just need space and time to move on.

He's being super selfish right now. He's not understanding or at least trying to understand how I feel. Of course, I don't ever want our friendship to be over, but at some point, I need to heal and move on from everything we've done. The only way I see that being done is if I take some time to myself. And he just wants to keep the friendship.

He feels that I shouldn't be allowing this girl to affect our friendship. But she's not the only thing that has affected our friendship. She is simply the one thing that made my decision clear. This third-person only made things clear for me. E and I cannot be friends until I move on from everything.

I know he's hurt. He told me himself. I think he's only hurt because he's realized the good thing he had now that it's gone. He's realized all the stuff I've done for him and all the things we've shared now that I'm gone.

And it's only been a week. I can't imagine what it'll be like in another week or three weeks. Cause I genuinely don't know how long it'll take for me to heal. I don't know how much time I need from him. He told me that I'll get what I want and that he'll just wait till I reach out to him.

But I know he's angry. I know he doesn't like my decision. But I won't allow him to gaslight me this time. I won't allow him to walk all over me and invalidate my feelings. This time I'm putting my foot down and it feels amazing.

I miss who I was before all of this. I miss not being angry. I miss not overthinking or waiting for his phone call. And I'm finally letting him go. I'm finally having the courage to tell myself that I've deserved so much better this entire time.

Everyone in my life has told me I deserve better. I just never listened because I was constantly rewriting E. I was constantly painting him in different colors. Hoping and praying that what I saw others would see as well. Except others saw the truth, while I saw what I wanted to see.

I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I'm content and satisfied with life. I'm getting closer to God and honestly, I couldn't do this without Him.