trying to feel better

day 677

06.02.22
1:28 am

This is what I need.

I need to let him go.
I need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I need to see him for who he truly is.
I need to have more self-worth.
I need to understand that he'll never be what I need him to be.
I need to stop thinking he'll change.
I need to stop ending up in his bed.
I need to stop allowing him inside me; physically and mentally.
I need closure.
I need time to heal.
I need to realize my own self-worth.
I need love.

I don't know how I allowed myself to get to this place. I don't understand how everything got fucked the way it did. All I choose to believe is that God has some greater plan that I just can't see or understand yet.

He was my best friend. He was the one person I wanted in my life forever. He was the only person I felt I could trust. He was the only person I thought knew me better than myself.

Now all I can think of is that he's the last person I want in my life. He's the last person I want to talk to. He's the last person I want to laugh with. He's the last person I want to hear say "I love you".

I know hate is a strong word and emotion. So I don't hate him. I could never hate him sadly. But I'm done. I'm over whatever this is. I can't keep allowing him to come back whenever he wants. All he wants is to have sex. And honestly, he could find that anywhere. Just not from me.

I need to close my mind. I need to close my heart. I need to close my legs. This isn't cute or fun anymore. This isn't exciting. It's draining. It's toxic. It's everything I don't want from a relationship.

He's everything I don't want in a partner. That's the one good thing to come from this. The one good thing he taught me was knowing exactly how I want to be treated and how I don't want to be treated.

I may not be perfect, but when it comes to him he shuts something in me off. He makes me feel silent. He makes me feel unheard. He makes me feel misunderstood. He makes me feel like the ground beneath me is shaking. He makes me feel unsteady.

I want someone who does the complete opposite. Someone who makes me feel heard. Someone who loves me out loud. Someone who makes me feel understood. Someone who makes me feel like it's just he and I in this world. Someone who steadies me.

And I will wait for that person. I will wait years if I have to cause I know in my heart of hearts that it'll be worth it. This person may not be my first, but he'll count for all the true firsts. I'm so excited for what the future holds.

I pray E finds himself. I pray he becomes the best version of himself, but I cannot wait for that to happen. He told me he believes he can give me everything I want, but just not now. And I told him that I believe that. That I know he could be everything I want cause I see the potential, but I can't wait around for him. I refuse to wait on someone to grow.

My person will be happy to grow with me. To learn his full potential with me by his side. That's the thing with E, he feels he has to be whole and perfect in order to get into a relationship. That he has to be fixed and that's why we've never worked. Cause I believe the opposite.

I want my partner to heal with me by his side. I want my partner to figure his life out with me next to him. I want to walk every journey in this life with my partner by my side. We are human beings and we are forever changing. We will never be a perfect version of ourselves. We will always be changing and having to grow into better versions of ourselves.

But E doesn't understand that and that is why we will never work out. And I never realized that until right now. As I'm writing this I understand why we could never work. He's a person who wants to figure shit out on his own. But I want to figure my shit out with the love of my life next to me.

It'll be worth the wait. Cause what God gives is always perfect. What God does is always with our best interest in mind. I'm good with waiting. I'm happy with waiting.