trying to feel better

day 661

05.17.22
12:41 am

I now know what I have to do. I know what decision I have to make to move on from him. I can no longer have him in my life. I no longer want him a part of my life. I need to let go of him and the idea of him.

I think I'm going to take these next few months to work on myself. To work on my relationship with God. To work on allowing bigger and better things into my life.

It's not gonna be easy. Especially that I'll still have to see him at church, but for the most part I will no longer be calling him. No longer be answering his calls. I can no longer entertain this fantasy.

On some level, he's always made me feel like I'm not good enough. Like I'm not lovable or worthy of a relationship. He's manipulated me into believing that I'm not ready for a relationship when in reality it's him who's not.

I no longer want to share any common ground with him. I want to work on being ready for a relationship. I want someone who isn't manipulative. Someone who isn't only loving and kind when they want sex. Someone who isn't him. Someone who is the complete opposite of him.

I want a pure and innocent type of love. I want a Godly love. I want a love that makes me feel complete. A love that makes me feel good. A love that makes me feel worthy. A love that makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.

Whatever it is that I had with him was and is toxic. It was never real. The feelings were never real on either end. His feelings were strictly sexual and he was an asshole for ever allowing me to think the feelings were ever more than that. My feelings were simply infatuation.

I was in love with the idea of him. The idea of who he could be. The idea of who I thought I saw. I saw all the red flags but because of the love I have for him, I ignored them. I defended him time and time again. When everybody around me thought he wasn't good enough for me or he wasn't the one. I defended him.

And for what? To be lied to over and over again. To be used over and over again.

I'm done. This time there is no going back. I cannot continue to allow him to walk all over me. I cannot continue to lie for him. I cannot continue to believe that this is love. Cause it's not. This is nothing close to love.

I've seen love firsthand and yes it's not easy, but it's not difficult. It's not painful. It's not manipulative. It's not abusive. It's not destined for failure.

I feel amazing about my decision. Of course, I haven't told him, but I'm praying that when the time does come he'll understand why this is the only solution I see. Why this is the only way that he and I can coexist in this world.

I'm losing my best friend and that's painful. But in a way, I'm gaining a new one; myself.