trying to feel better

day 1118

06.24.23
12:05 am

He called me drunk and that phone call broke my heart. It made me so sad. Cause it hurts loving someone you know you'll never be able to have. It hurts knowing that there are all these feelings we can't act on. It hurts knowing we want each other but he's with her.

But he can't have both of us and I told him that. I told him he can't have us both. He made his choice and he chose her. No matter how many times he says "I miss you". He chose her not me.

He finally apologized sincerely. He was drunk but it was sincere. He told me he knows I'm still hurt. That it still hurts everything that happened. And I asked him if he was happy. Cause if he's happy then that's all that matters.

He said yes, but he could be happier. But I think we all can be happier. Our happiness is forever changing. He said he isn't fully comfortable with her and I asked him why. He said he didn't know why, but those are his feelings and he knows how he feels.

He said he's not comfortable with her fully because she isn't me. And that's not fair of him to say. I told him he couldn't say that cause he chose her. He asked if I missed having sex with him. I told him I miss being that close to him.

I miss the intimacy that it brought us. We're close now but it was different. It was something good no matter how much we hurt each other. It was different and fun because it was with him. I don't regret it because it was him.

I told him I don't know how this happened. How we ended up in this situation. It all happened so fast and he agreed. I told him at least we still have each other. At least through all this pain and hurt we're still in each other's life. But he said, "Yeah just not the way we want."

And that made me sad. It makes me sad thinking about the "what if's". Thinking about everything we could've been had he not taken the first girl that wasn't me. Had he realized what we had before he was blinded by a new toy.

But now he's gotta live with that. He has to be okay with the fact that he broke us apart. That he ruined us. That he tore us apart. He ruined everything the minute he made her his girlfriend. And I'm glad he knows that.

But there are two things I know. First; my feelings for him have not gone away. They've minimized but they haven't disappeared. The second; no matter what happens we will never be more than friends.

I know he's not my person. I know we're not meant to be together. But we need to move past all these feelings. We just don't know how to. I don't know how to let go of him and just be his friend. Cause every time it feels like he's moved on I feel rejected. When I shouldn't.

I should no longer feel jealous. It's like my mind knows what to do but my heart doesn't. My mind has already accepted everything but my heart seems to still have hope. It's a horrible situation to be in when your mind and heart are on two different wavelengths. When they don't agree or align.

He'll always be my best friend. We'll always have this to hold onto. He'll always have a piece of my heart. And I believe I'll always have a piece of his. But we have to let go of one another. We need to move on fully. If not for ourselves then for the people we're hurting secretly.

He has a girlfriend but we're hurting her by holding onto these feelings. I'm hurting my future by holding onto him. God told me I need to open my heart to receive the blessing he has. But I can't do that with him in my mind and heart.

So I'm letting go. It hurts but it's what's right.