trying to feel better

day 231

03.12.21
1:18 am

I miss him so much right now. I'm not sure why but my heart just wants to hear his voice. Feel his warmth. I hate nights like these. Cause I wanna text him or call him but I'm scared. Scared that ham reject me or think I'm weird. I'm scared he'll look at me differently. Or that he won't even feel the same way.

I'm not sure what to do. Something in me wants to text him and then there's the part that doesn't want to. I'm not sure who to listen to. But I think I should text him.

But then I read something and it made me realize. I don't actually miss him cause I have feelings for him. I miss him cause I'm lonely. I feel lonely and want company. I want someone to talk to. It's not cause I'm sad. It's cause I'm lonely.

But that's not fair to him or I. It's not fair that I think I can just push my feelings onto him. It's not right for me to think I'm in love when I'm probably not. And I'm probably just wanting someone to text or talk to romantically.

Cause honestly now I feel fine. I'm laughing at myself cause just 5 minutes ago I wanted to cry cause I thought I missed E when I'm actually just lonely. This sucks cause what if all the feelings I thought I felt for him were just out of loneliness.

That's insane how our emotions and mind work. Thank God for that sign cause I would've literally embarrassed myself.

I think I'm gonna stop texting E and see where that takes us. I'm going to stop making the first move when I see him. I'm no longer going to be excited to see him or go up to him first. I want to see if he'll make the effort once I stop.

Let's see where that takes me. Maybe that'll take me one step further away from the feelings that I think I have for him.

I guess we shall see!