trying to feel better

day 143

12.6.20
10:20 pm

today I spent the day night with E. He went out with me and my family. It was a really fun night. When it's just the two of us we are almost in that level. It's weird.

We went out to eat dinner and we were really good. For the first time I felt super comfortable around him. Like I wasn't that nervous type around their crush. I was actually super comfortable.

My mom kind of seemed to be accepting E as my boyfriend if that were to happen. My mom never wanted me and E to be together, but I think now that she's seeing how we are alone and seeing how he is she's coming around.

So many people have told me that E wasn't the one I should be with. Or that E isn't good enough for me, but that's always been my decision. It always made me upset when they'd say those things because in my mind they only know one part of him. The part where he's always either talking to some girl or breaking up with some girl.

And yes I see that too, I'm not stupid. But the way he is with me when it's just the two of us is so different. We can make fun of each other in a loving way. We can laugh about everything. We can talk about anything.

We're so much more alike then what people know. Last night in the car his mom said that me and him are super alike and that's why we get along so well. Maybe she's right.

I felt different last night. When we sat next to each other I wasn't nervous to be around him. I wasn't nervous about what I would say or do. I was comfortable. The whole night we both kept asking each other if we were okay or comfortable cause we sat together.

It was nice. I did feel bad though. In the morning I was with E and some other people doing stuff and he knew we had plans that night so he suggested he should just come to my house since we're gonna see each other soon. In my mind I'm like my rooms a mess and my parents aren't ready so I said no.

But when he suggested this idea it felt like he was trying to make me ask if he'd like to come over. So I went home just to find out that E actually really wanted to come over. That he told his mom and everything. I felt horrible cause I didn't know.

In my mind I just thought this idea came to him last minute, but in reality he really wanted to come over. So when I saw him later that night I apologized. And told him he could come over whenever he'd like.

I still think what could've happened differently. I still think what if I'd have brought him home. My mom was waiting for him to come with me. And I think that's the craziest part that my mom is so willing to now want him around when before she was not like that.

Maybe this is boring to you all but you've gotta understand. A few months ago I thought I'd never have a chance with E. That I'd have to give up. But now things are different.

I'm not sure what's gonna happen but I know it's gonna be a crazy ride.