trying to feel better

day 1144

07.20.23
10:03 pm

I heard someone say, "Instead of asking God to take the pain away. Change your prayer and tell God to allow you to feel the pain but not go through it alone."

And God I accept the pain. I will feel every ounce of hurt as long as I know I'm not going through it alone. I've been feeling super lonely. Not physically lonely but emotionally. I feel like I'm surrounded by love and I feel loved, but I feel like nobody understands the pain I'm going through.

Nobody will understand why I'm still hurt after all these months. It's been 5 months and I still think about it and the pain still feels fresh. And it's like why? What's the reason for the pain? And I got my answer last night at church.

Someone was testifying about how they've been feeling so alone. Feeling so much hurt and pain that they didn't understand. And God told them this pain and hurt is for a greater purpose. From the pain, you're going to blossom into something new. Freedom is going to come from this pain. Restoration and deliverance. And I'm holding onto that.

I'm holding onto the knowledge that it feels impossible. It seems impossible. But through God all things are possible. I know that this pain isn't to kill me. This pain isn't the end of my story. This pain will not be the last of me.

I read something that said, "You're not single because you want to be. You're single because when you get with someone you forget all about God." And that's literally how it felt when I was with my ex. I told my best friend when he and I broke up that I didn't abandon God, but it felt like I put him on the back burner.

It felt like I was consumed with my feelings and my desires that I forgot about God. I put my ex first. I put his needs before my own. And in trying to have a relationship I ruined my relationship with God without even realizing it.

And these are things that I feel are small reminders from God. Letting me know he's still here. Telling me that even though I feel alone. Even though it seems like I'm going nowhere things are moving in my favor. But it's all at his time not mine.

I haven't been to church in two weeks. I've been away and I don't wanna go back. I don't wanna see him. I don't know what our encounter will be like. We haven't spoken in over two weeks. We've been in no contact. And my heart hurts and his is full.

Isn't that just insane? The person who did the heartbreaking has a full heart. Is happy with his new girlfriend. And I'm here heartbroken trying to allow God to pick up the pieces. I want to feel whole again. I want to feel fulfilled again.

And I know it's going to happen I just need to be patient.