trying to feel better

day 653

05.09.22
9:59 pm

I want to run away. I want to leave this city and never come back. I want to start over. Somewhere new. Somewhere calm. Somewhere peaceful.

I wish I had never lost my virginity before I was truly ready. I know I'm still talking about this. I know I'm still contemplating this thought. But it's the truth. I've never truly said it out loud, but I regret having sex before marriage.

I overheard my parents talking about someone saving themself for marriage. My mom thought it was beautiful but my dad said this person was lying because nobody holds those morals anymore. And that stung.

It hurt hearing him say how disappointing it is that people have sex before marriage and don't hold sex to being something important. And in my head, all I could think of is how disappointed he'd be in me if he knew. How disappointed both of them would be.

E and I had sex again. It was a quickie in his mom's apartment. And I told him that I don't get why we keep doing this. Why do we keep saying we're going to stop and then we do it all over again. He said it's because it's fun and cause we're toxic. And if I'm honest we are. The relationship we've created is toxic.

We play this on and off again game. Our relationship has turned from something so beautiful and innocent to something so toxic and draining. It's like if we're not meant to be together then why can't we let go of each other. Why can't we just stop having sex together and only be friends?

I don't get it.

I can't seem to comprehend why I've allowed this situation to get so out of hand. If I'm honest. I like having sex with E cause it makes me feel wanted. Him wanting me makes me feel on top of the world. But if I'm really honest with myself doesn't that make me seem easy? Doesn't that make me seem desperate? For love and attention? Am I the problem?

I know I have to have the power to stop this cycle. I know that it has to come from me to put an end to whatever this mess is, but I kind of don't want to. It's kind of exciting and thrilling being with someone in secret.

But I'll be honest anytime he picks up his phone or laughs at a text or talks with someone my heart stops beating. Anytime he mentions a female friend my heart drops. Cause I'm scared of getting hurt. The worst scenario's come to mind. Cause he's hurt me before. He's replaced me before. What's to say he won't do it again?

I'm hesitant about his intentions. And I don't fully trust him anymore. But I could never tell him any of this. That would kill him. It'd kill him to know that I was still holding on the last. He'd be hurt if I said I didn't trust him. So I have to deal with this on my own.

I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. I just don't know what to do.