trying to feel better

day 1094

05.31.23
12:02 am

I hate that I miss him. I hate that I feel like I can't talk to him. I hate that he hasn't called. I hate that he makes me feel bad for bringing up his girlfriend. I hate that he still crosses my mind. I hate that he's with her.

It's kinda insane to think that I miss him. Cause honestly what do I miss? He never put in the effort. He never bought me anything. He never took me on a date. He never made me feel wanted for anything other than sex. So what do I miss?

That he was my comfort person? That he was the one person I'd talk to on a daily. That he felt like home, a dysfunctional home, but still it was home. He never made me feel special, but there was just something about being in his presence. The nerves and excitement.

I hate myself for how far I let things get with him. I hate that I ever had sex with him. I hate that thought ever crossed my mind. I hate how we're good for two weeks and then things just fall apart. We always do this and I hate that.

I hate that I miss him. I don't want to miss him. I don't know why I miss him. He's in my life, but he has a girlfriend now. It's not fair of him to want me and her. It's not fair to use me for sex. To joke about me being the other woman.

It's not fair that when we did have sex he lost nothing. He kept his dignity. He kept his girlfriend. He kept his relationship. Nothing was affected by his actions. But I still lost everything.

I had sex with him to still have nothing. To still have these lingering feelings of where we stand. Like hello??? We stand nowhere. He has a girlfriend that he's not leaving for me. He made a choice and no matter what happens between us she's still his choice.

He chose her over me. He says it was God. I told him not to bring God into his mess. Cause he's truly made a mess and I've played my part. I've made a mess with him. When I should've put a stop to this. I should've ended our friendship and just kept him at arm's length.

I think the next time we speak and he tries to be flirty I'm gonna tell him to stop. But when I do he makes me feel guilty. He makes me feel like I'm telling him something wrong and I hate that.

I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm saving myself and him from ruining our lives. Cause I mean he's in this relationship based on lies. His girlfriend is hiding all these secrets and they make their relationship seem perfect when it's not.

Your boyfriend is on my phone telling me he wants to have sex. Your boyfriend is begging me to go to his house. Yelling at me that he always wants to see me and I never wanna see him. Your boyfriend is confessing all types of feelings to me. Why would you want someone like that?

Why would anyone wanna be in a relationship with someone like that?

I'm so grateful to God it's not me, but damn that sucks. It sucks that you're willing to settle for someone like that. Someone who makes you feel bad and then expects you to move on from it. Someone who takes your insecurities and makes you feel bad for them.

Girl, you deserve someone better. You deserve someone who will reassure you. Someone who will make you comfortable enough to talk about your issues as many times as need be. Someone who doesn't tell you he's going to sleep and then calls a whole other woman.

Let's be real I'm also very wrong in this situation. I'm also the one to blame. I should've put my foot down. I should've said we'll be friends but that's all. Except I don't know how to just be friends with him anymore. I don't think we can be just friends.

I think God is trying to take him out of my life but I keep fighting. God, I'm not gonna fight it anymore. Take him out and out the one that's for me in. Cause I know you've got my man prepared. You've got him locked and loaded. You're just waiting on me.

But it's hard to open your heart when it's been closed off for so long. When the first time you considered opening it you were hurt. It's hard but I know God needs to heal me before he brings my man to me cause I don't wanna ruin it.

I want a healthy Christian relationship. A relationship where God is the center. Where if we fight I run to God and so does he. Where if we can't handle something on our own we know who to go to. Someone who will love me and help me get closer to God. Someone who I'll love and bring closer to God.

I want it all and I know I'll get it all. Just not in my time. It's all in God's time. And God I'm letting go of him and welcoming the one you have for me. I'm surrendering it all to you God.