trying to feel better

day 546

01.22.22
3:29 pm

E moved on. He told me today that he is talking to someone romantically. And I thought hearing that would kind of break my heart and it did, but for a bunch of different reasons.

I just got out of the shower and I cried my heart out. Cause I wanted it so badly to be E. I wanted more than anything for it to be him. For him to be the love of my life, I've realized that being with him would make me settle for a love that is less than me.

A mediocre kind of love. A love that I didn't deserve. Settling for him would've been the biggest mistake o could ever make. Cause he could never love me the way I deserve to be loved. He could never give me what I deserve.

I've realized that I've given him so much of myself. I've given him my all time and time again. His heart was never in this whole situationship from the start. I was just too dumb to realize it. Cause I wanted more than anything to believe that the version of him in my head was what I would get.

I believed all the lies he told. I believed all the hope he continuously gave me. All the signs that he wanted more. When in reality I was simply a placeholder for the next girl. We were destined for failure from the start. Cause I was all in from the start and he wasn't.

When he told me about this girl it took me a few to gather my thoughts and feelings. I told him that I'm happy for him, but I can't be his friend right now. I know that at church we must acknowledge each other, but I told him besides that don't call or text me.

And I told him that I don't want to hear about this girl. I told him I can't be there to comfort him if things don't go well. I can't be the one to give you advice. And I said that for me to move on I have to cut ties with him.

I think I'm going to take a break for a while. Just to gather my thoughts and feelings. To make sure I'm okay cause right now it feels like my world just fell apart.

I deserve better. I deserve earth-shattering love because I am made of love. I radiate love into this world and I know that one way or another it will come back to me.

Today I lost my best friend of almost 8 years. Our friendship will never be the same even if I move on. We'll never be the same. We'll never be able to be the people we were before this happened.

I think this is the outcome we were afraid of. We were scared that if we got into a relationship things would end badly and we wouldn't be friends. Except we never got into a relationship and things still ended badly.

I love him and my friendship with him so much, but I cannot be there for him this time around. This time I have to put myself and my feelings first. And if he gets hurt then so be it.

This year is my year to put myself and my relationship with God first.

I never thought I'd have to live in a world without E, but I have to now. I have to let go of the idea of him. I can no longer surround myself with someone who's given me a mediocre love.

I wish the best for this new girl. I hope she can accept the love that he in fact does not know how to give.