trying to feel better

day 525

12.29.21
11:11 pm

E and I had sex again.

I know what you're thinking. How stupid can I be? I get it, I really do. But I just don't know what it is that continues to pull me back to him. It's like this electricity when we're together. It's like so comfortable.

We're like amazing together. But when we're separate we don't talk and we fight. It's weird. I don't really understand it myself. So I'm not going to expect you all to understand it.

But I have come to another realization thanks to my best friend M. Me and E got into a really big argument today. He's super pissed at something I said. I'll give it to him this time. What I said was uncalled for and I shouldn't have said it.

But the realization that I came to is that E doesn't want a relationship with me. I'm perfectly fine with that, but what gets me pissed is that he doesn't leave me alone. I make all efforts to keep us as just friends. He notices this behavior change and tries to make our friendship sexual again.

WHYYYYY does he do this!! I don't get it. You don't want me to be your girlfriend, but you want to keep having sex with me. You want to stay as friends and then when I follow through with that you change all the rules.

I don't get it. I don't get why we're so comfortable and just always fall back on each other. I realized that I always self sabotage with E cause I'm just waiting for the disappointment. We have a good time and then I'm just waiting for it to crumble in front of me.

I self sabotage by saying the wrong thing cause I know he'll disappoint me in the end. I've always felt like the second choice for E. Every time someone didn't work out who does he come back to? ME.

and I guess that's made me feel insecure. Insecure of whatever it is that we are. Cause we're not just friends. But he doesn't give me any sort of reassurance or consistency or explanation of what we are.

I get that maybe there's no exact name for whatever we are, but there has to be some sort of common ground. There has to be some sort of agreement.

I just feel like we always fall back on each other because there's history. If I'm being honest I don't think I've let him go cause I truly don't want to start over with someone new. I know I deserve better, but the thought of having to start over scares me.

The thought that maybe I won't find someone who'll make me feel safe and comfortable scares me. Cause E makes me feel safe. Everything I do with him I enjoy because it's with him. Cause it's someone who I care for and I know cares for me. It's someone who makes me feel safe and comfortable.

But I know I deserve better. I know that maybe there's someone else who can treat me better. But then I get this thought in the back of my mind; what if he just needs time to grow? What if this is all apart of our amazing journey?

And I'm scared if I move on I'll miss it. I'll miss the what could've been an amazing love story.

But if this is love then I don't want any part of it.

Love shouldn't be hard all the time. Love shouldn't feel bipolar. One moment we're good the next we're arguing. And it's a constant cycle that I must let go of.

I just don't know how.

I just don't think I want to let go.

I'm scared to let go.