trying to feel better

day 1073

05.10.23
12:55 am

I think I've finally come to terms with my feelings. I understand what I felt for him and how strong those feelings were. I accept that he wasn't meant for me. He wasn't my person and it hurt to realize that, but it's for my own good.

This is for his own good. We never worked out because that wasn't in our cards. It was never going to happen. And instead of us ending up ruining each other we've ended up still being friends. Still being able to speak freely about our feelings towards one another.

I've never had a friendship like the one I've had with him. It's a friendship that holds a lot of weight. A friendship that is filled with a lot of pain and love. We've hurt each other and been mean to one another. But we've also loved each other and cared for one another in the most intimate of ways.

The only downfall to all this is that nobody knows the truth. Nobody knows the depth of our friendship. So when we fight it may seem silly to others. Or they may not understand our frustration. But it's simply because they don't know.

They don't know he's the one I lost my virginity to. They don't know that I've confessed to him being my first love. They don't know about the late-night conversations we've had about our future. They don't know we talked about our future children's names. They don't know that we've imagined being married. They don't the truth about us.

But the upside is that we get to keep that for ourselves. We get to know that although none of those things will ever come to pass it was nice imaging them. It felt good at the moment. It felt nice to think that we'd be together forever. And we will be together forever just not in that way.

It's almost peaceful understanding that he's my person but not in that way.

It's been a long and hard journey ever since he got a girlfriend. I've been battling with what I feel and not caring about what he feels. But he betrayed me. And it's hard to move on from something like that. But if he's happy then I'm happy for him.

Except I think a part of him is still holding onto me. Holding onto what he and I used to have. I think he does care and like his girlfriend, but I don't think he truly understands what a relationship means.

He told me that it feels like he and I still have "unfinished business". And how does that work when you have a girlfriend? I get that he may still have feelings for me. Romantic and sexual. And I'll admit when I'm with him or speaking to him I get those feelings too. But when I'm away from him I don't have those feelings.

And it just makes me feel bad for his girlfriend. He's telling me that if I was ever to be down for having sex he'd do it. Which is wrong. He cheated on her with me in the first two months of their relationship. That's something you feel guilty about. But he doesn't.

I think he hasn't processed the feelings he's holding to for me. He needs to let go of the part where we are more than friends. He needs to accept the part where we are only friends. The part where he no longer has access to my body. The part when I no longer have access to his body.

Cause let's be honest no girlfriend or boyfriend wants to know about his and my history. We'd never be able to be friends if his girlfriend knew. It sucks we have to hide this from her, but we have to consider our history over their history.

Our friendship holds more weight. Our friendship holds more history. We hold more love and care for each other. So in the end even with this girlfriend, we come first. He and I will always come first.

Even though I get the bare minimum now. I understand that I'm more valuable as a friend than a lover.