trying to feel better

7 months later . . .

07.22.24
11:06 pm

A lot has happened these last 7 months. I've grown so much in my relationship with God. I've made some mistakes with my words but I haven't gone back to what was ruining me. I've moved past it all even when the temptation felt so strong.

He's married. He's having a baby. I'm happy for him. But as his friend, my feelings are hurt. He hasn't spoken to me in a month. He completely left me out of this huge transition in his life. And that hurt my feelings so bad. But I've decided to leave it in God's hands.

I've decided to let it go and just allow God to be the one who makes the change happen. I've started a certification class. It's one step closer to becoming a nurse and I'm so happy. I feel like God is slowly putting the pieces together.

I will say I have a little crush. He's the close family friend that I've mentioned twice before. He went on a church trip with us and there's a vibe. There's definitely something there because I wasn't the only one who noticed it.

We were lowkey attached at the hip. He was like my little tail and honestly, I won't lie. I loved the attention. He the complete opposite of the other guy. He's a hard worker. He has his own apartment. He's a good guy. He's funny. He makes me smile. He listens.

The only thing is he's struggling a lot with his relationship with God. He loves God but the enemy just knows where to get him. He's an addict. He struggles with being sober. He's addicted to alcohol and weed. But he's made progress. But he definitely will have to go to rehab if he doesn't change his life soon.

It's insane how someone can be incredible in one aspect and then you dig deeper. You dig deeper and find all the bad and the ugly parts. But somehow they don't diminish the good and beautiful parts. He's an amazing guy. People get on his bad side. He's a true hothead. But not with me. He giggles when I look at him. He confides in me. He trusts me.

And I really think he's going to start changing his life. He needs to do it for his future. I continually remind him that he's not a bad person. He's a good person who has made some bad decisions. He doesn't have malicious intentions.

We were talking about his intentions with me. He didn't know what they were. I told him that his intentions with me were good. That even if he did do something bad it would never be on purpose.

I don't know. It's a good distraction. And he's an amazing guy. My parents love him. But a part of me almost feels like he's too much of a project. And I feel horrible admitting that. It feels like he needs more help than what I can provide for him.

Almost like he's too broken. And that sounds terrible. Because he's not too broken. He's not too far gone and I continue to tell him that. And if I'm telling him that then I have to believe it. I can't tell him something that I don't believe.

And I truly do believe he's fixable. I believe that once he truly submits to God the way he has to, everything will fall into place.

He'll find the woman he's looking for. The doors he wants to be opened will be opened. He'll see everything come together like never before.

So God I'm trusting in you. And asking you to help me help him. Amen.