trying to feel better

day 968

01.19.22
12:12 am

Part 1

I think we're going to have sex. And I'm scared.

I'm so nervous.
Part of me wants it to happen and then there's a part that says I deserve better. A part that feels like I don't want him anymore.

If we do have sex I think I only want sex. Like I wouldn't be doing it for any other reasons.

I think my feelings have subsided and I don't know what to do. I cant hide how I feel and I feel like my feelings aren't as strong anymore. It's complicated.

But I guess I'll let you know how things go.

Part 2
9:41 am

We had sex.

I feel this instant regret. I feel guilty because I know it's wrong. It's wrong to have sex before marriage. And I knew I shouldn't have done it, but here I am.

I regret it because it doesn't feel the same anymore. He doesn't feel the same. I don't feel the same. I feel like I'm disassociated with my feelings. It's like my mind tells me I like him because I've felt that for so long, but right now I don't know how I feel.

I think I like the feeling of being intimate with him. Of knowing that he could be having sex with anyone right now, but he chose me. It's makes my crazy little head feel special.

But having sex with someone doesn't mean your special to them. I want to believe that his motives are for more then sex. I want to believe that he chose me because he has feelings for me. But isn't it unfair of me to want that when in all honesty I don't know how I feel about him.

I'm in this weird place with him. He has this new friend and it just feels like I'm waiting for him to tell me he likes her. I feel like I'm waiting for disaster to strike. And maybe I'm wrong for that. Maybe I should just believe that he likes me and this girl is just a friend.

But I've been that friend before. Me and him have been friends since we were 13 years old. And now look at where our friendship has developed.

Shit happens and feelings arise. So I'm scared. I'm scared he's gonna move on and I think my mind is warning me. I think my feelings are being compromised because I don't want to get hurt again.

Life really sucks rn.