trying to feel better

day 529

01.03.22
9:49 pm

I fucked up. I assumed and allowed my emotions to get the best of me. E didn't exactly lie. He more so withheld the truth because according to him it wasn't "relevant".

I still think my feelings were valid. The girl he went out with is the same girl who he used to have feelings for. And I get jealous cause I feel like I've always been second. I've never felt like I'm first and I always settle for being the secret. I guess that just has made me insecure.

It turns out his friend canceled last minute so he asked (we'll call her "S") S to go with him. He said he was just trying to be nice. When I first asked him about him going with her he immediately told me nothing happened between them. He kept saying they didn't do anything cause I guess he just knew when I asked that I was assuming the worst.

And I was assuming the worst. I think I felt so upset about it because he wasn't the one who told me. I didn't find out about it from him. She told me. And I'm so glad she did. She doesn't know what's going on between E and I, but if she hadn't told me I'd never have known about it.

But this did open a conversation for E and I to have. I made it very clear that I don't like having to hear shit like that from someone else. I told him it's not that you went with her it's that you didn't even mention it the next day when we talked. Knowing that I had sex with you and you didn't think it was relevant to mention that your plans changed which lead to you hanging with someone who you used to have feelings for. Someone you've kissed before.

And he explained that he understood my point. That he saw why I was upset. I think I really improved on my communication with him. I explained that the other issue is that S always tells me how she thinks E still likes her. Which he doesn't cause then he and I wouldn't be having sex. So I told him make it clear that you don't have feelings for her. I told him I don't trust him when it comes to S. I just don't.

He told me that his intentions with S aren't the same intentions he has with me. And I believe him. I just allow his past with her to make me insecure sometimes. But he told me that if the roles were reversed that he wouldn't care. Cause according to him he knows his place in my life. He knows that no matter what guys come in and out of my life that he'll always be in my life.

It's just gonna take me some time to fully trust him. And I also asked him straight up what his feelings for me are. I told him that I always make my feelings for him clear. That I'm always reassuring him and he just doesn't do the same so I guess I just always feel like I don't know where we stand.

He told me that he likes me obviously, but he just has a nonchalant way of showing it. I told him I hate that. I told him that I just never know if he has feelings or if he's lost them.

Cause some days he just super lovey dovey and then other days he's super cold. He said that he holds me to the exact same standards that I hold him, but he just doesn't show it as much.

I also addressed another issue. I've never told anyone except for my best friend M, but every time E and I have had sex I feel that afterwards he's very chill about it.

Almost makes me feel like he doesn't care or it's not important to him. But he told me that it is important to him. That he didn't know I wanted to talk about it afterwards. He said he doesn't want to cry after we have sex. And I told him I'm not asking for tears, I'm just asking him to make it seem like it meant something. Cause then I get in my head and feel regret.

I'm really glad we had that conversation. I'm glad that I was finally able to communicate my feelings towards him.

Our friendship has changed drastically this year and we've both recognized that. He thinks the change is good and so do I.

2022 I can't wait to see what you bring! 🥂