trying to feel better

day 604

03.22.22
9:13 pm

E and I had sex today. It shouldn't have happened. We promised it'd never happen again and then it did. It wasn't planned, but I'm disappointed in myself.

I'm disappointed in how fast I fold for him. I'm mad that I know I deserve better, but I can't seem to let him go and he can't seem to let me go.

As y'all know I was raised in a religious household. Having sex before marriage was considered wrong. I was raised to wait till marriage and along the way, I started to truly believe that that's what I wanted.

I wanted to wait for the perfect guy. I wanted to wait till my wedding night knowing that this would be the only man I'd let see me. This would be the only man who'd get this part of me. I lived by that not only because of religion, but because that's what I wanted.

My virginity began to become something so important to me and I was holding onto it. Until last summer. The thing about losing something is that sometimes you can get those things back, but I can't get my virginity back.

I never imagined myself having sex outside of marriage because it was something I didn't want. I only wanted one man to touch me. One man to be inside me. One man to get that part of me.

And sex is so complicated. That's what they don't teach you. They don't tell you how complicated things get. How soul ties are a real thing. How having sex with someone creates so many different emotions. So much attachment comes with sex. So much baggage that I wasn't prepared for.

And I keep praying. I keep begging God to take these feelings away. Whatever I feel for E I want it gone, but God isn't taking them away. It's like he's not listening or maybe he is listening and he just knows that what I'm asking for isn't really what I want.

But I need to let go of E. I need for this to stop. We need to stop falling into this cycle. Either we stay just friends or we are no longer friends. There's no other solution. Cause he doesn't want a relationship he told me himself he just wants to have sex and only with me.

But I can't keep giving him pieces of me every time we have sex. I can't keep leaving part of me with him every time we get naked together. I deserve better and until I'm willing to actually see my worth I think I'm going to always fall into this cycle.

Until I realize how much more I deserve and how much more another man can give me, I'm just going to constantly believe E is the best it'll get for me. Cause I think the only reason I say I'm not ready for a relationship is because E isn't ready for one.

I lower my standards so they can meet E's standards. And that's not fair. It's not fair to me to be settling for less. I deserve so much more. God knows how much more I deserve. God knows the man he will send to me once I finally end things with E. But until then I'm never going to meet anyone better.

I'm never going to allow myself to find better cause a part of me still has hope for E and me. A part of me still believes that E will get over his fear of commitment and finally be everything I want. That one day he'll finally realize that he can be in a healthy relationship with me. Except I don't want to wait for that.

I want to simply look at a man and know he's the one. I want to have one simple conversation and know that he's the man God sent for me. But I don't think it'll happen while I'm still tangled up with E. God knows I need to let go of E to welcome better things.

I want what God wants for me. It's taken me so long to realize that I cannot do this on my own. I cannot fight battles with my strength. I want God to teach me. To guide me. To give me wisdom. I want God to use me as a leader. I want God to use me as an example.

God is everything to me, but somehow E kind of takes me away from God. And that needs to end now.