trying to feel better

day 590

03.08.22
9:43 pm

E and I had sex for the last time today.

I feel sad but also happy that we'll be able to finally get our friendship back on track. It's like having sex with him is the only time I feel so close to him. It makes me feel like that's the only way he wants me.

Which I know is wrong to think. I'm more than just someone to have sex with. I'm worthy of more. I deserve someone who wants more than just to have sex with me. I just need to stick to it.

E and I have once before said it'll be our last time. But this time is the last. We pinky promised and I hope we stick to it. Cause I want someone who I can fall in love with.

I want to be in love with someone who makes me feel worthy. Who makes me like I'm enough. Someone who wants me for more than just sex.

This time I don't regret it. I actually am okay with the fact that we had sex today. It wasn't even planned if I'm being honest. I went to his house last minute just to hang out. It was us two because his brother was at work and his mom wasn't home.

We hadn't even mentioned having sex, but secretly I was hoping it would end up with us having sex. If I'm being honest I kind of went over there intending to do stuff.

I got to his house and I was on the bed. He was sitting on a chair. Then we put a movie on. He sat at the opposite end of the bed. There was lots of space between us. Then I got cold and wanted a blanket.

He said I could keep you warm and I said no I'll take a blanket. He then laid next to me and I got a blanket. We were like this for a while then he started putting his arm around my waist.

Him doing that made me get butterflies everywhere if you get what I mean. One thing lead to another and we had sex. I don't regret it.

I've noticed he's been putting effort into our friendship. He's been calling and texting me more. He's making an effort. And I think we need to remove the sex so we can actually just go back to being just friends.

I miss my friend. I miss not thinking about having sex with him. I miss us just hanging out. I miss us just being friends and being able to talk about everything.

Things got complicated the moment we started having sex. And that's for us to both take blame. We both decided to do that. And what happened today just happened. It wasn't planned. But it was a good way to say goodbye.

I kind of want to not have sex again until marriage. I want to wait for my husband. I know it's pointless now cause I've had sex. But I want to wait for the right time and the right person. Cause maybe that person just isn't E.

On my way to his house, we were on the phone and he asked me to be the godmother of his children if I'm not their mom. I asked him to be the godfather of mine.

Even if E and I don't work out romantically. I hope he is always in my life. He's my best friend. And he makes me feel safe. He makes me feel comfortable. He feels like home to me and I can't imagine anyone else feeling like that.