trying to feel better

day 191

01.29.21
12:52 am

I want to talk about something from my previous post. I've finally realized the feelings I have towards my abuser. Towards the man who did that to me when I was young. I'm no longer upset about what he did to me, but rather I'm upset that he acts like nothing ever happened.

That everyone acts like nothing ever happened. That I act like nothing ever happened. I can't blame anyone else cause I've never told anyone, but for that I blame myself. I blame myself for staying quiet and not speaking up. I'm angry that I've moved on by trying to bury a trauma that I cannot control.

And I've had another realization. E is not the one for me. As much as I love him I'm always second. When a girl doesn't work out for him he comes running to me and tells me. He's always coming back to me expecting that I'll always be there. And I've got no one but myself to blame for that one too.

I'm always there for him. But he makes me second guess EVERYTHING and I hate him for that. I love him so much, but that's not enough. My love isn't going to be enough for the both of us. So I've got to learn to move on. To walk away.

And I know I've been saying this for months that I've got to move on, but I think I'm finally getting somewhere. I've slowly realized that I don't always want to be around E or talking to him. Yes I'll text him, but I need to stop.

I need to slow down and put myself first. If I put him second maybe he'll finally feel what I feel. But I could never hurt him. I love him too much. He's my best friend.