trying to feel better

day 442

10.07.21
12:31 am

I understand now that maybe my friendship with E has taken a turn for the worst. I can't comprehend how it happened. Cause I feel like it happened so fast, but I understand. I get it. This is exactly what we feared.

We did things we shouldn't have and now we're reaping the consequences. I don't think anything we've done was wrong. When you like someone and are attracted to them don't feel bad for doing anything sexual with them. Accept what you've done. ENJOY IT ALWAYS. And go on regret free.

I'm glad my first experiences were with E. I'm glad it was someone I trust and feel so comfortable with. He's my first sexual experience, but I honestly don't know if he's my first love.

When it comes to E I try to avoid any conflict. If I'm jealous or annoyed I'll try to ignore him and move on. My thing is I feel there's no reason to bring it to his attention cause we're not dating. We're just friends and the issues that I have are more then friend issues.

I think he doesn't understand where I come from. He doesn't get that I'm not gonna tell him what's wrong because he doesn't owe me an explanation. He doesn't owe me an apology. He can talk to whoever he wants. Flirt with whoever he wants cause I'm not even sure he likes me anymore.

I think we've gotten to a point where we are both just tired of fighting. Tired of being in the same cycle on repeat. It's always the same issue over and over again. Like will it ever get old?

I want to tell him everything on my mind cause that what he wants. But I feel like one I open up like that I can never take it back. Once I'm vulnerable he'll be completely in my mind. He'll know how I think and feel at all times and I don't want that.

Confronting him about my feelings takes a certain level of emotion that I just don't know how to express. If I let him in all the way I'll feel stupid cause I know he won't let me in all the way. To why should I let him in?

Why should I be the first to be vulnerable.

It's like if he wants me to communicate with him then he should make me feel comfortable to talk to him. He should make me feel like he wants to hear what I have to say. That if I tell him what's on my mind he won't get annoyed or gaslight the way I feel.

But I don't think he'll do that. So I don't think I'll be letting him in anytime soon.

I feel like he doesn't understand that every time I tell M about our business I'm just venting to her. I'm just letting out my emotions cause I can't let them out with him. But he doesn't understand  that. He thinks I go to her for advice, but I don't. I just tell her the things I want to tell E. The things that I'd never have the guts to tell him.

It's complicated as always. And I've said it before; I don't like complicated.