trying to feel better

day 460

10.25.21
11:10 pm

I feel really confused right now. Today E and I had sex again. But before any of that happened we had a conversation. And I told him that whenever we hang out alone we always end up doing something sexual. We never just hang out as friends.

It bothers me cause I'm always the one giving to him. But another part of me feels like I don't want us to stop cause at least I know part of him wants me. He just called me and said he feels we should put boundaries. He said he doesn't want every time we hang out for us to do something sexual. He doesn't want that for us and I get it.

So I told him I think we just need to make sure we communicate with each other. That we always make things clear and that the moment we don't want to it or want something different we communicate. I think that as long as we're vocal and honest we should be good.

But part of me feels like I was expecting this. Part of me feels disappointment and the other part feels hurt. Cause it's like does he not want to be doing this with me? Did I do something wrong? But I'm too scared to ask because I might not like the response.

He's my best friend and I trust him with my life.

I guess it would be better for us to stop, but I know us. We've done it before. We agreed to stop and then a few weeks later we were back to it. But it's like do I really want to be in this same situationship a year from now.

Do I really still want to just be having sex with my best friend and continue to allow us both to hide our feelings for each other. Cause it's not something emotionless. It's not just sex. We obviously have feelings that we are denying and maybe that's what is making this dangerous.

And I was fine after we did what we did today, but now I'm confused. Now I'm overthinking everything and I hate this feeling. But I'm gonna try and not think the worse.

I'm harpy with what we are, but I kinda want more I guess.