trying to feel better

day 133

11.25.20
10:45 am

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm actually kind of content with my life right now. I've come to the realization that me and E are kind of getting closer. I mean family wise. I'm super close to his mom now and his aunt. I've always been friends with his brother.

But it's like non of that matters. All I know is that I want a chance with E, but I'm also scared of what could happen. He says he'll be fine if anything happens. As in our friendship would stay the same, but I honestly can't say the same. I can't promise that I won't be hurt or feel differently if something were to happen.

I think obviously my feelings would grow stronger and with a broken heart I don't think I'd be able to be his friend again. Cause its more then sex for me. I think it's always going to be more then sex. The feelings that I have for him are strong.

Maybe I'm not in love with him, but I know that I like and care so much about him. I'd do anything for and I know he'd do the same for me. But my feelings are just stronger and I've had them for longer. I'm just scared and I'm tired of being scared.

My relationship with E should give me enough confidence that I can trust him with everything, but when it comes to my feelings I'm scared. I can't be confident in my feelings because I'm so scared.

I'm upset at myself for being scared of confronting him on my feelings. I've never been a confrontational person about my feelings especially not with a guy. But this is a guy that I've known since I was like 13. We've seen each other grow in many different ways. Our friendship has developed from something so innocent to something completely different.

Yesterday I thought about how much our friendship has developed. I remember us just being super innocent with each other. Never even saying or talking about sex especially not with each other. So it's crazy how far we've come.

We've grown as people, as individuals. And I can honestly say that I love the person he's become. And I love the person I've become. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that I need to be willing to risk it ALL if I think this is worth something. I want things to be different.

At least if we aren't meant to be i at least want to know we tried. And if we don't try then I need things to change. Cause I don't know if my heart can continue in any longer.

Happy thanksgiving!