trying to feel better

day 902

12.01.22
11:20 pm

I broke things off with him. Or at least that's how it feels. I told him I don't want to have sex anymore. Which is a lie, but I truly feel that sex is something to be shared in a marriage. We're not married.

And I get how controversial that is to believe sex is only for marriage. Cause y'all know I'm not the poster child for waiting till marriage but this is how I feel now.

Having had sex before marriage I realize why it should be something held to such high standards. Having sex with someone can really fuck up your mind.

That feeling of not knowing if all they want is just sex is such a shitty feeling. And I know he has feelings for me romantically but I've still questioned it. I still felt that all this was only for sex.

But it's not and I hope that taking sex out of the equation will show if the feelings on both ends are real.

I told him that now I'll see if his feelings are real without sex and that struck a nerve. He said his feelings were hurt that I even had to question it. But it's just sometimes it felt like he was touchy-feely and then got sex and was completely different.

I told him that and he said that was never his intention. And I know it's not but that's just how I see it. And to me sex is huge. I'm not the sleeping-around type. He's the only person I've had sex with. That is important to me. And I know it's important to him.

But it feels like we broke up basically. I don't want to stop having sex with him, but I feel like having sex is taking me away from God. And I get if y'all think I'm crazy or something, but this is what I believe. And this is my religion. And I want to be close to God.

I want God above everything else.

So if I have to sacrifice sex with my best friend then that's what I'll do.

I'm gonna miss being that close to him, but everything happens for a reason. I'm trusting God and trusting the process.

Also, I got my driver's license finally! And next weekend I'm going on a trip!

Life is great.