trying to feel better

day "im a little irritated"

10.24.23
7:11 pm

I'm singing for the first time in two weeks. I've been away and just surrounding myself with God and family. I've had an amazing two weeks and I'm finally back to singing at church. Except the minute I come back, he's not singing.

I don't want to say it has anything to do with me. We all have our plans and we all deserve to take time for ourselves. But I mean the coincidence that I go back to sing and he disappears seems too close for comfort. 

But on the other hand, I feel like maybe this was God. Maybe God knew my peace would be shaken if he and I had to interact that closely again. And I get it.

But I'm annoyed. I'm irritated. Cause he doesn't get to be mad. He doesn't get to avoid me. He doesn't get to ignore me. He doesn't get to feel anything towards me.

He's in the wrong here. I'm not wrong. He's the one who lied. He's the one who used me for sex and lied that he broke up with his girlfriend. He's the desperate one. And he's wrong. I'm right for feeling what I've felt. I'm right for stepping back and removing myself.

He brings on a lot of drama and I can't be around that. I've chosen to surround myself with God. I've chosen to follow God and forget everything else.

I'm not mad. I'm not angry. I'm just annoyed a little. And I'm disappointed that he hasn't recognized his wrongdoing. It just sucks when you feel like you deserve justice and it feels like you're not getting it.

But I have to remember what the Lord says in his word. The vengeance isn't mine. It belongs to God. He will get me the justice I deserve. I just have to wait and be patient.

It just hurts. And that's normal. It hurts because I didn't deserve that. I wasn't ready for that. I didn't think he'd hurt me like this. I didn't think he'd turn out to be this person. So it hurts when something you don't deserve happens, but my redeemer lives.

My God is a God of justice. And I'm doing my best to get as close to God so that nothing can shake me. But getting close to Him comes with the hardships. God must test my faith and love for Him. To see how much I love and trust Him.

So God I'm rolling with the punches. I will do everything I must to get closer to you. God, I want every blessing you've got for me.

I believe people are wrong about us Christians. I think everyone believes not sinning is the hardest part of being a Christian. And they're wrong. The hardest part is having to love your enemy. Having to love the one person who hurt you. Having to uplift the one person who betrayed you. Having to pray for the one person who broke you. That's the hardest part.

God help me through this. Pass me through the fire but don't let me burn. Thank you Jesus ❤️‍🔥