cigarettes after sex | hyunin

thirty-five

tw: self harm

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"not again innie..."

jeongin was being sick, again. the reason being the fact he was separated from hyunjin who was usually attached to his hip as they were always together. it was as if the younger was getting separation anxiety like a dog who missed their owner.

"he'll be back soon baby~" felix whispered soothingly and rubbed the youngers back as he was hunched over the toilet, his head stuck in the bowl as the acid fluids came out of his throat. felix hated to see the younger like this, and it had been going on the whole week.

ever since hyunjin left for his business trip it hit jeongin rather harshly that he wasn't able to see his boyfriend for at least a month. the first week and a half was fine as he was used to being apart for a little while but as soon as the second week hit, jeongin couldn't hold back his emotion. he could barely leave his room without crying or throwing up and it made hyunjin feel horrible.

they called every night and jeongin would find himself automatically soothed hearing hyunjin call out his name ever so softly. in fact every time he would forget all about his problems but as soon as the call ended he began to get all needy again.

jeongin began waking up in the middle of the night screaming, missing hyunjin so bad that it was giving him nightmares - the image that hyunjin would never come back hurt him so much it gave him physical and mental pain. his screams and sobs were so loud that he would wake up his roommate in the process and only be able to feel ok once he had thrown up and been comforted to sleep by felix.

"this isn't heathy innie.." felix gulped, sinking down against the wall and felt tears prick the sides of his eyes. to see his usual bubbly and happy best friend in such a state was having an affect on him too, he didn't want to leave jeongin out of his sight as he was affraid he'd do something stupid or have another episode.

felix at first had to call up hyunjin and beg to let jeongin have time off for the time he was on business, of course the eldest complied as he also hated seeing his baby in such a way. but it wasn't as easy for hyunjin to just come back, his trip was forced upon him randomly by his mother and to avoid confrontation he had to go, at first he was going to bring jeongin too - but was declined.

"i'm fine lix. i promise." jeongin said shakily, his voice wavering as he helped himself back onto his feet, ignoring the pain in his throat feeling rather used to it by now. "jeongin shut the fuck up! this isn't ok! why are you so fucking upset that he's not here!? what has he done to you innie, i miss the old you..." jeongin flinched, the australian boys voice raising slightly as he felt nothing but anger towards hyunjin who had seemingly ruined jeongin in felix's eyes.

"he hasn't done anything."

"bullshit."

felix got up himself and ran a hand through his overgrown blonde hair and sighed deeply. he hated this. whatever jeongin had become recently he hated. he remembered before he met hyunjin he was so fun and carefree, feeling as if he was untouchable with the amount of confidence he radiated. although felix knew jeongin never really loved chan, he just wished that maybe if he did fall for him he would've been so much happier.

but hyunjin? hyunjin had ruined his jeongin. he had taken the sparkle out from his eyes, maybe hyunjin still saw it but no one else did. jeongin was still the same but only for hyunjin, he no longer cared or needed for anyone else as he had hyunjin to be there for him in ever scenario. jeongin had become too reliant on the older, in fact it was becoming so prominent that jeongins love was turning into an obsession.

"i can't live without him lix." jeongin choked out, breaking the heavy silence that was left between him. "i know i've changed but before him, i was faking my happiness. he made me realise who i am.. you might not love me the same anymore but i'd die for him. i have no purpose without him."

"innie.. don't say that!" felix shouted, grabbing the boy by his arm harshly, hating to hear those familiar dark words leave jeongins mouth. he hadn't heard this side of jeongin in such a long time, he wanted to kill hyunjin himself for making those harsh things pop back into the youngers mind.

"ah! be careful!" jeongin winced and pulled his arm away in pain, his eyes widening in realisation to the fact felix would find out what he was hiding.

"jeongin. lift up your sleeves." felix said sternly, he knew jeongin way too well to know he didn't have a little briuse over his arms, no. he knew how he got when he was sad, he had dealt with it too many times in the past.

"no."

"jeongin."

"f-fine.." the younger whispered, shutting his eyes and lifting up the sleeves of his hoodie to show horrible marks all over. fresh cuts littered his skin, his usual smooth and delicate skin looked awful.

"i thought you were clean from it baby?" felix whispered, his face forming into a saddened expression at the sight. he knew jeongin had problems with his mental health and was very fragile - in fact he knew very well as he had taken the younger to hospital before, but that had been months ago, maybe even longer that a year.

"i-im sor-sorry.." the boy said whilst looking down and letting his eyes sting from the mass amount of tears leaking from them. he hated when people saw him like this, he hated people realising he wasn't this cute boy that they all thought he was.

"don't apologise, please. why didn't you talk to me?" felix sighed, walking forward to jeongin and pulling down his sleaves before embracing him into a comforting hug, not one too tight on his wounds.

jeongin was never careful with himself either, the deep cuts littered his skin on both arms starting from his wrists up to his elbow. he only ever did it as punishment for every time he did something stupid and as hyunjin had left all he was doing was moping around after him, each stroke hitting his skin once he cried or missed him.

"innie, i need to clean them up. they will get infected.. like last time." felix whispered the last part in a way that make jeongin not feel scared but remember how bad the situation was before. all jeongin remembers was waking up in a hospital bed after passing out, felix and chan crying beside him as he was in capable of moving from the pain. he had cut so deep and not cleaned anything up that his wounds became infected and sore.

"o-okay... i'm sorry lix."

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sorry :( this hurt to
write but jeongin in this
is becoming my comfort
character and someone
i'm using as a vent to my
own issues </3 if anyone
feels how jeongin does
please talk to someone,
even if that someone is
me ! i'm open if anyone
wants to talk, i know
i'm a stranger but some
times it's easier.. love you
guys, please stay safe,
stay well and remember
to eat your meals and
stay hydrated <3

- rin