cigarettes after sex | hyunin

forty-five

nothing in the world was more scarier than what hyunjin was currently going through. not anything could hurt him more than this.. as he waited for the only boy he's ever loved to wake. jeongin looked so peaceful yet he was making hyunjin terrified, he lay in the bed beside him asleep and hooked up into so many machines. the older was beyond scared.

"he's lost a lot of blood." the doctor started as he read off of his clipboard, checking a few things about jeongin before looking back at hyunjin who was biting his nails nervously in the chair beside the boy. "but thanks to you he's going to be ok. any longer we would've lost him.. he's lucky to have you sir." the man said with a smile and left the two alone once everything was fine.

hyunjin let himself slip out a few tears as he watched the lifeless boy beside him, the usual bubbly and happy one he saw on a daily. the way his face was so blank with no expression hurt - it hurt the most that he was unresponsive and lay there without any notice of his surroundings.

"jeongin? hyunjin?" a small boy called from around the corner, almost running into the room with panic l over his face. "we got here as soon as we could." felix said, motioning to changbin who was now just walking in behind him. the three were silent for a bit, not sure on what to say as the couple could see how hyunjin probably wanted to be lest alone anyway.

"he's going to be fine..." hyunjin started, wiping his tears stained face with the sleeve of his hoodie. "he said it. before he attemp-" he paused, feeling too scared to say the words them self before continuing, "'the moon is pretty, isn't it'.. i knew it wasn't me just being stupid. i think that's his way of telling us, it's like a distraction." he rambled on, not caring if they wouldn't understand he just needed to vent.

"he's going to be ok." he repeated, looking up at the two who were both feeling half sad and half happy. "we can wait outside, you should be alone." changbin said softly, felix nodding as they walked out to give the two privacy.

hyunjin sighed slightly as he looked at his boyfriend. he missed seeing his smile and his pretty eye smile, how it would make his already fox like eyes go even more cute.

"baby..?"

"i know youre not listening or going to reply so.. so let me just talk.."

"i know recently we haven't been great and fuck, how i want to put everything behind us.. but i can't. we're made for eachother i know that.. and until then we can't keep this up-"

"i will love and care for you forever baby, but this isn't heathy. you can't do this because of me. but it's also not fair on me to keep having to make sure you're always ok because that will start affecting me so.."

hyunjin paused and took jeongins hand into his, pressing his lips against the youngers skin on the back of his hand. frowning at how still and lifeless he felt.

"i need up to get better and then we can move on to a better stage in life. right now, i'll still love and support you and be there for your every move but not as your boyfriend, as someone who wants the best for you."

"we're not breaking up baby. not ever. but right now i need you to focus on you, ok...?" the older sighed softly once he realised he was just talking to himself but it was fine.. he didn't care.

he would repeat that all over again millions of time he if had to..

he loved every part of jeongin but he hated what he did to him, hyunjins didn't even have to try one but to ruin jeongin, to make him cry and to make him go insane. he hated that. sure he knew jeongin wouldn't completely get better and overcome all his problems but maybe if he got him some kind of help he would change somehow.

but it wasn't like hyunjin knew what he was talking about, he wasn't sure on what 'help' he could get but he would search and search and search for the right thing for jeongin - well, without sending him away or making him feel stressed.

hyunjin wanted jeongin to feel safe and calm and not have to worry about anything other then how his mental health was for a while.

"i'm so sorry for what i've put you through little one. i hate myself for it. you deserve so much better... look at you, this is because of me.." hyunjin broke down, his voice weak and his tears salty.

"n-no." a voice said, a small voice, not even a whisper at this point. hyunjin head rose quickly, looking at the boy beside him who lay with his eyes only opened ever so slightly.

"baby! you're up! let me get the doctor!" the older cried, hitting the nurse button quickly and squeezing his hand ever so softly. he felt like he was about to pass out from happiness if that was even possible.

two hours ago he was scared his boyfriend might not make it.. but now he lay beside him, trying to muster up all his energy to squeeze his hand back in return.

"i'm sorry jinnie... i'm sorry i put you through this."

≣

:((( stop..
soulmates
right here.
ugh.

-rin