cigarettes after sex | hyunin

sixty-eight

jeongin was speechless.

chan had just came in their home and created a problem out of nothing.

hyunjin was questioning it.

and this all just left jeongin with no idea on how to sort such a situation out.

the blonde didn't feel ready enough to be able to tell everything to hyunjin yet, it all felt too soon and it would be too heavy for hyunjin to find out all in one go. to summarise their whole previous relationship would be near enough impossible without it sounding so awful for the both of them.

how was jeongin supposed to explain why he had mental issues and why that had sprouted again, why he ran away from home or even how hyunjin ended up the way he did. to straight off the bat tell hyunjin that he was heavily suicidal and it was all because of him - that wasn't a light topic you could talk about on a random thursday morning.

"baby talk to me." hyunjin said in barely a whisper, walking over to jeongin slowly as he was scared if how he was reacting. the boy was lifeless, still and pale. jeongin was so conflicted in his mind it felt like he had completely stepped out of his body and he was empty in there, feeling nothing or doing nothing trying to block out the negatives.

because with hyunjin, the negatives always out weighed.

"baby?" hyunjin called a little louder but still softly to not alarm the boy. he placed his arms either side of jeongins waist which made him snap out of thought and flinch, almost jolting away from hyunjin. "d-don't touch me right now." he said in a panic, feeling all his old fears rush back into his mind, how he instinctively had to fear hyunjin.

'this. this is all chans fault.' jeongin thought, but the more it settled in in his brain, the only person who was at fault was hyunjin - yet he was completely oblivious.

jeongin felt awfully guilty at how he was acting but he couldn't help it, he couldn't help but see the old hyunjin he used to fear. that he safe hand reaching out to him now was something to fear, a hand that had hit him and even made him bruise and bleed.

"i'm sorry hyunjin... our past is horrible." jeongin said quietly in a broken voice, stepping away each time hyunjin took one closer. "i need to leave for a while." the younger said in a panicked tone, walking off into their bedroom to go get changed, but found himself wanting to scream at all the memories.

not one memory was good either.

how where he was stood was somewhere he used to get hit, how inches away was somewhere he had to duck from things hyunjin threw at him out of anger, how the on suite was somewhere he used to sneak away to in the night just to harm himself...

and the bed.

the bed he was supposed to have comfort in. where he would go to relax after a long day. but no. the bed where so many awful things happened. times where he didn't want to be touched but had no choice, how he would scream out crying for it to stop but no one helped him.

jeongins mind was flooded with way too many scary thoughts of his past that it was enough to make him feel weak, his head feeling heavy and his lents numb. he hated this.

all meanwhile hyunjin was left alone in shock, confused to what he had ever done to jeongin. what was so bad that would make him flinch? the most he was confused about was who chan really was.

he understood chan was jeongins friend but the act seemed faker than that, deeper then just friends. he had guessed somewhere down the line they dated and chan never moved on, he gathered that from him trying to weave his way in and hold his hand.

hyunjin sighed and went to sit down before something loud came from his bedroom, a noise of some kind of crash, such of a loud thud it made hyunjin worry and go to check up on the younger just in case something had happened.

the brunette gasped once he entered the room, rushing to jeongin who was in a limp state on the floor: eyes closed with slow breathing too. hyunjin picked him up and placed him down on the bed, wincing in pain from his own injuries but right now he didn't care, making sure jeongin was all ok.

"baby? answer me!" hyunjin called shaking the boys body softly as he prayed i he would be ok. maybe he was just a deep worrier but hyunjin couldn't afford to see jeongin in such a state, the boy had been his savour and his sunshine the past weeks but seeing him so lifeless was painful.

"this is all my fault..." hyunjin whispered, amounting to a sob as he looked at jeongin who was still passed out. sure hyunjin didn't know what he didn't but he couldn't help the guilt from what ever he had done that was bad enough to make jeongin faint for such a long period of time.

the whole situation made hyunjin think more, this how much of a different person he must've been before and how frustrating it was to not even know what he was like. he could've been amazing or the worst - but he had no recollection.

"i'm so sorry jeongin..."