cigarettes after sex | hyunin

forty-one

what's your biggest fear? i mean, everyone has one. some people fear tiny things like bugs and insects, as for some they hate heights and small spaces. yet for jeongin, his felt a little more sad then most. how his biggest fear was loneliness.

he had grown up with his mother who was consumed by loneliness, the absence of his father and all her illnesses made her not able to meet others easily and well - jeongin knew he never wanted to end up like her too.

he knew all too well that his mother had a sad life, so sad all she ever did was take drugs and drink so heavily she was incapable of looking after the boy. jeongin was brought up feeling so lonely that when he became an adult he switched was and became heavily dependent on people.

so when he watched as hyunjin shut the front door with no hesitation to turn back, he felt his heart shatter into millions of tiny pieces. memories of his childhood came flooding back, remembering how his mother acted the same as he was right now. completely still.

* flashback *

jeongin hated being at home, most nights he would go home with different friends and have play dates, he didn't even have to ask his parents as they didn't care. well, his father did but his mother didn't. jeongins mother was the type of mom who didn't care for their children - in fact she claimed the boy was a mistake and only gave birth to him for his father. his father on the other hand was a loving man and someone the boy looked up to so dearly, but he was away at work too much for jeongin to completely love him.

"why are you home late again!" his mother shouted, banging on the side of the wall to jolt up the small boy in front. here, jeongin was only small, around ten years of age to be exact. "please, don't shout at him." the friendly face of his father said as he emerged out of the lounge.

and like most nights, the two argued and argued until jeongin fell asleep - but this night, not even the television could block out the noise, nor could his sobs as he tried to sleep. this may of been the most violent argument the younger had heard and he hated it.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING!" the womans voice shouted as the front door opened with a bang, including the rolling of a suitcase. "IM LEAVING THIS FUCKING PLACE! TAKE THE KID IM GOING!" his father shouted back and for the first time in jeongin life, he experienced real heart break.

sure his whole childhood was awful, but to hear the only man he cared for say such a thing, the man he looked up to... it shattered his little heart.

"DADDY NO!" the boy screamed, running from his bed down into the hallway, chasing after the man who was getting into a car. "y-you were supposed to take me out for my birthday next week.." jeongin sobbed quietly as his father got in the car. "i'll pick you up next week my fox. i promise." he said before driving away.

the sad thing was, his father never did come back. in fact, he never saw him again.

* end of flashback *

"i cant let this happen again.." was the last thing jeongin said before opening the front door and running after hyunjin, screaming out his name to get any response but still, nothing. he knew hyunjin could hear him, in fact more than sure as everyone else on the apartment block could hear him well enough too as he was getting told to be quiet he he didn't care. anyone who tried to shout at him he simply ran past as he needed to get to hyunjin.

finally, the younger saw him. hyunjin was stepping into his car and closing the door. "JINNIE WAIT!" jeongin shouted and ran towards the car, the older noticing him but choosing to ignore him. "PLEASE! JUST DONT LEAVE! IM BEGGING YOU!" he repeated over and over, hoping that maybe he would stop and think.

hyunjin never did. - he just left, the same way his father did all those years ago.

everyone he loved and held close to his heart always left so why was there even any meaning in carrying in to love anymore. if hyunjin left him, the one who promised to stick by him no matter what, then everyone else around him too were just waiting for the moment until they too left him.

no matter how hard he cried nor how loud he screamed out for him, hyunjin didn't want to come back anytime soon - jeongin had pushed him away, so far that he was beginning to feel comfortable as strangers.

≣

hey hey hey !
sad chaps are
all i can think
about producing
atm so sorry :(
but at least
yall know some
fluff or smut will
pop up sooner
or later, i'm not
that mean ...

- rin!?