cigarettes after sex | hyunin

forty-three

they both felt empty - not the same emptiness before that was probably just them being silly - an emptiness that felt like their worlds were crumbling without one another. it felt so stupid to say but they really were that close that a life a part sounded so scary.

"answer back!" jeongin screamed, sliding down the side of the wall he was leant on and now sat on the floor with his eyes clouded with tears and his shirt tear stained. hyunjin was avoiding every call, sure he wanted to make everything better again but he needed time, time to think if they're meant to be or not.

hyunjin was sick of having jeongin not paying any attention to him when he needed it and just being plain selfish. he was sick of having to be the one to apologise first so this time it had to be jeongin who was going to say sorry, to say sorry for treating the boy like shit so subconsciously.

that was the worst about jeongin, the fact he didn't know he was being horrible, not aware of what he was putting hyunjin through at all. he didn't even notice that he was toxic or selfish, he didn't even care if he was.. he liked the attention anyway.

"p-please jinnie.." the smaller whispered to his phone waiting for it to ring out and hyunjin to finally pick up. that's when he stopped sobbing, haltered his breathing. hyunjin had finally picked up.

"jinnie?" he spoke so softly, the older too hesitant to reply straight away so they sat in each others silence. the only noise being heavy breathing from the nervous younger. they had both lost the courage to speak and as they weren't sure to make up, argue or tell them how much they miss one another.

"i'm sorry jeongin but i just need time. i'm not breaking up with you.. i love you too much to let you go but please just leave me for a while. i don't know how long i need but please. i'm not expecting an apology, but know you're in the wrong here and i just need my space. i'll forgive you if you leave me to think."

"w-wait!" jeongin choked out but the older had already ended the phone and this made his heart shatter completely. these few days would be hard, even harder than the month apart because now they wouldn't even be conversing over the phone... they wouldnt be talking to one another at all.

≣

a week had passed and jeongin had grown worse then before, but still going into work. he looked tired and drained and still had to see hyunjin on a daily but they never spoke, jeongin would stare at the older in hope for a small smile but he didn't even glance over.

everyone had noticed the change in jeongin, how he seemed down and obviously wasn't near hyunjin. minho and jisung at work were always worried for the male as he looked so sad all the time and it made sense.. the younger had explained the problem to his friends and they all felt sympathetic. everyone knew how badly jeongin took things.

maybe even worse then the rest.

jeongin wasn't sure what the reason was but he always ended up blaming it on his traumatic child hood that made it hard for him to learn the concept of loving someone else so instead he obsessed.

the boy knew that his love for hyunjin was beyond something normal. he knew that his love was infatuation and the more he was away from hyunjin the more he hated his life. he felt like he couldn't live without the elder, he couldn't survive without his reassuring words and soft lips against his skin - jeongin was obsessed and he didn't know how to get out of those ways.

it was a friday night, the usual date night for both boys but they had neglected it for such a long time now a friday just felt empty to jeongin. the boy was sat on the side of the bathtub - naked - waiting for the water to fill up the tub.

he was watching his reflection in the mirror and was hating what he could see. his usual milky smooth skin all red and abused, his blonde hair slightly greasy and noticeable bags covering the under sides of his eyes. he looked like a mess and this was only because of hyunjin.

jeongin didn't think hyunjin was in the wrong at all - no, in fact he knew it was mostly all his fault but he wasn't sure what to do. hyunjins words saying 'i'll forgive you if you leave me to think' rang in his head, repeating over and over and over.

he couldn't wait for this forgiveness anymore.

he didn't want to put hyunjin through the pain.

jeongin picked up his phone and dialled the olders number, he wasn't even sure if he would pick up. all he knew that he needed to hear hyunjins smooth voice.. to imagine how his pretty lips looked as he spoke. he just needed something.

"jeongin?" the brunette said on the line, jeongin slipping into the water once he heard him. he didn't know how to respond straight away as he was holding back a wince from the stinging of the bath water up against his cuts.

"jinnie-" the younger managed to choke out, half scared to talk the other half exited. he missed those velvet like words, so smooth and silky with every new syllable - hyunjins voice was so relaxing to him. he could listen to it forever.

"i miss you.." jeongin whispered, his voice echoing in the bathroom as he spoke. "where are you?" the older asked, hearing the different kind of scenery he was used to. not like he was able to predict he was in a bathtub, hyunjin just thought the sounds were odd.

"i just wanted to hear your voice." the smaller said softly, ignoring hyunjins question and bringing his knees up to his chest. and sadly, began to cry quietly. he was scared, so scared but it was necessary.

he didn't want to do it.
but he needed to do it.
that was his thought process anyway.

jeongin looked to the side at his phone that resting on the side of the bath. he wished he could see hyunjin right now, maybe he would've been able to talk him out of it. maybe he would feel different if hyunjin was there to tell him it was ok.

but jeongin knew it wasn't ok...

"i know you need space and i'll give it you. i just wanted to hear you talk one last time..." the boy spoke in a shaky tone, he didn't know what do to anymore.. he was so scared and confused but what else could he do.. right?

"jeongin what's wrong you sound upset? and what do you mean one last time?" hyunjin said sternly, scared at how the younger was speaking.. something about him sounded off. by the way he was so timid and quiet to where he was. hyunjin was scared, and he wasn't sure ong what jeongin was trying to do.

"the moon is beautiful, isn't it?"

≣

i know this might
be a bit confusing
so sorry but next
chap is up tonight
and will explain it
all. sorry in
advance for
the next chap :(

-rin