cigarettes after sex | hyunin

forty-six

things were different now jeongin was back from hospital, a lot different. things were more quiet and there was less of a happy environment like before - now it was just calm and safe but that's all. the couple didn't have their usual chatty conversations, random cuddles and kisses.. they hadn't even had sex in weeks.

hyunjin didn't know what to do anymore, it had been a few weeks since jeongin had been discharged from hospital and he had been going to therapy but the older wasn't sure if he was better. hyunjin felt like he was still the same because they weren't close like before. jeongin needed that safety from the older he always loved but recently he hadn't been getting that.

their days were getting stranger and stranger, at first starting the day by going to work together but never showering together nor helping each other dress. they barely spoke beside hyunjin letting out a small joke and the younger chuckling ever so slightly - but not enough to make his eye smile pop out. after work was even more sad, how their nighttime's were slow and they both wanted the day to be over.

jeongin missed how hyunjins arm used to wrap around his waist, pulling him closer as he kissed his skin so softly. how some nights they would skip out on sleeping straight away and be more intimate.. but that hadn't happened in nearly two months. they were slowly beginning to loose their connection that they once built. and it was ruining what they had.

"hyunjin.." jeongin whispered breathily, turning his head to the side as they lay beside eachother in bed. the older was on his phone watching some random videos that jeongin couldn't make out. hyunjin hummed in response, not really listening but still looking at him briefly to show that he was.

"we haven't had sex in two months... you haven't kissed me properly in a month. i'm tired of this hyunjin." jeongin started, looking down at his hands and holding back his tears. it hurt. it hurt so much. the fact that jeongin adored hyunjin so much but the older barely took notice of him now. it was so hurtful, yet he knew he was doing it only to help the younger.

"baby- you know why.. i just want you to get better firs-"

"fuck you! how is this helping to get me better! we don't even talk anymore hyunjin, it's fucking sad. we lie beside each other at night with a gap between us.. you don't even look in my direction when i undress-" jeongin paused, trying to keep the tears that were welled up in his eyes from falling but failed to. instead they dropped down to his hands.

"innie please... i don't want to hurt you. and i can't tell if you are getting better when you take so long in the bathroom, when you still cover up your arms.." hyunjin trailed off, reaching for jeongins arm and pulled up his sleeve, a surprised expression appearing on his face once he did. nothing was there, besides the scars from before.

"you're hurting me right now!" jeongin said whilst snatching away his arm and getting up out of bed. "i cover my arms because i'm ashamed. these scars.. they were supposed to work. i wasn't supposed to live, you were the one who made me live yet you torture me everyday by treating me like some sick patient..."

"... and this is so fucking stupid.. i take long in the bathroom because i still try and make myself look pretty for you. i shave, i make myself clean there just in case you wanted to touch me again but you don't. it's like i'm nothing to you now..."

"... i'm sleeping on the couch." jeongin finished, wiping away his tears and sniffling a little as he picked up his pillows and went to take them into the lounge where he was going to sleep.

he couldn't bare it anymore, this sad excuse of a relationship was hurting him. it was more painful than anything else - it felt more painful than dying. jeongin loved hyunjin because he always understood him but recently he just didn't get it. he didn't get why he was sick and to hyunjin all he could think that therapy was the thing that would make jeongin better again. if only he had listened...

the only thing jeongin needed was hyunjin to tell him it was going to be alright, and he would believe him.

"wait- baby.." hyunjin spoke, his voice a little shaky as he got out of bed to the younger. he took the pillows out of his hands and threw them back on the bed before bringing the younger into a tight hug.

"i'm so sorry baby. i've just been so scared.. you don't know how scared i was to loose you, why could you do such a thing to me? i-i've been selfish recently i know.. but at least it's all kept you heathy and well." hyunjin whispered to the boys ear, softly sobbing into the crook of his neck.

"i- i don't know... i thought maybe you would've been better without me.." jeongin mumbled back, feeling so stupid. he had never thought of it from hyunjins perspective. he had never begun to imagine how it would feel if hyunjin killed himself, in fact, it would've broke him so much as a person.

"how could you say such a thing? you're the only person i've ever cared for this much. i love you more than anything. i love you so much, so fucking much... i don't know what id do without my baby." hyunjin choked out, messily, in fact he probably looked rather gross as how violently he was sobbing, his nose running and all.

"you're a mess.." jeongin giggled, looking at the male in front of him. hyunjin only rolled his eyes and wiped away the snot and tears with his sleeve quickly. "oh shut up." he joked back and smiled, a genuine smile, and he hadn't smiled like that in forever. maybe it was because he had finally seen jeongins precious eye smile, the one he adored and missed so much.

"c-can you kiss me?" jeongin asked shyly, like a teenager ready for their first kiss. the older chuckled softly, moving the boys bangs out of his eyes before tilting his head to the side and connecting their lips into a soft kiss.

this kiss wasn't the usual one they had shared recently, nor the ones from before. this felt different.. a sign that they had overcame everything bad and now they were finally getting through it. the way jeongin wrapped his arms up around hyunjins neck and hyunjins around the others waist so desperately, both pulling eachother in.

the kiss eventually turned sloppy and wet, how they both liked it, lip biting and teasing. jeongin couldn't help but slip out a moan, one so beautiful hyunjin had to pull back and stare at him for a second before a small smirk appeared on his lips.

"i missed those needy moans."

≣

the books coming
to an end soon </3

-rin