cigarettes after sex | hyunin

seventy-eight

the next morning rolled around and to say jeongin was in pain was an understatement, each time he moved an inch or moved his legs to be exact all he felt was excruciating pain in his lower half.

"jinnnieee!" jeongin cried out, confused to where his boyfriend was as he wasn't beside him. hyunjin came rushing in with multiple things in his hand: snacks, water, painkillers and a stuffed toy. jeongin raised a brow at the random bear but smiled at the male who was slipping back in bed to give everything to the younger.

"i went to the shop for you." the older hummed, wrapping his arms around jeongin and pulling him closer - jeongin just whimpering in pain. the younger thanked hyunjin and took painkillers, snuggling into his boyfriend who was now turning in the tv.

"i'm calling him jinret." jeongin whispered, picking up the plush and holding it the the olders face. "it looks like you, it even has a little more there." the younger giggled, enjoying the similarities of his new soft toy and his boyfriend. hyunjin just shrugged not really noticing the fact it was similar to him when he bought it, he just thought the bear was cute. (btw it's the skzoo plush)

"i love him." jeongin added in a small voice, one that was adorable to hyunjin - although snuggling into hyunjin, also nuzzling his face onto the plush. the older smiled, admiring the boy who was deep in the show they watched together and just looking so beautiful. but the more he watched the more he noticed something that's been bugging him for a while.

jeongins scars.

he never wanted to bring up the boys self harm as it may be something that held a dark past that he wasn't sure if he was able to know about, but ever since chans rude visit made him want to know. chans voice often replayed in his head, repeating words that only made him feel beyond guilty, 'look at his arms, all those fucking scars of from you. all his problems root from you.' hyunjin never knew what it meant, never knew what he had done to make that statement true.

hyunjin looked at jeongins arms, how both had faint lines running all the way up from his wrists up past his elbow - it was awful. although the scars were fading, they were still clear enough to pain hyunjin. the older picked up jeongins arm, running his fingers along it and gulping. "w-what happened?" he stuttered, jeongin feeling himself wanting to cry at the question.

"i don't know what you're on about." jeongin hummed, trying his best to keep cool as he didn't feel like diving into their dark past and more specifically his. jeongin also knew how much the accident changed the olders mindset, refreshing him from that god awful toxicity he held not long ago.

"it's been eating me up inside. ever since chan was here-"

"hyunjin please." jeongin said breathily, cutting off the older and biting his lip to fight back tears. he didn't want to think about it, it hurt him everytime to remember hyunjin at his worst - all because he was terrified for him to fall back into those ways.

the older was silent for a while but he needed to know, although the hated to pry jeongin to tell him about such awful things he couldn't just be kept in the dark forever. "i have the right to know if it's about me too... i want to know to help you baby, and to better myself." hyunjin spoke calmly, guilt laced into his words.

yeji had told him a few things whilst they were out the previous day of thing jeongin had told her when he had no one else. she told him that he would occasionally call her up and cry down the phone, scared that hyunjin would hit him or even worse from how bad his anger got to at one point, and that made hyunjin hate himself. he couldn't believe he ever put jeongin through such things when he loved him so much.

"not all of this is your fault. i had problems before you- i have problems still and even before i never used to talk to you about it. things scare me easily, i get paranoid and panic... these ones have never faded." jeongin mumbled the last sentence, fingers tracing along the scars he was hinting too, ones that left a nasty scar. "i did this when you were on a business trip, you were gone for a month and it killed me. all i did was cry in my room and starve myself- i though you were trying to leave me so i called you for hours... you were always busy but you still answered back and stayed on the phone. we wouldn't even talk sometimes, i just needed your presence."

hyunjin nodded his head listening to the boys story that hurt him so much, he never knew jeongin needed so much reassurance and was so.. broken? every word flowing from his mouth was heavy and held so much pain for the boy. jeongin paused, knowing what he would say next would hurt them both but hyunjin needed to know.

"you changed... i can't remember how or why but you slowly became- horrible... you shouted at me and threw things at me, you never used to let me see my friends either. i was scared of you... but i loved you too much that i hoped you change back. and you did." jeongin said, smiling weakly, glad that his hyunjin was finally back to normal again

hyunjin held back tears and tightly embraced the younger, kissing the top of his head. "i'm so sorry baby- i... i'm so sorry i don't know what to say i'm just sorry." the older whimpered slightly, breaking down as soon as he heard jeongin cry to.

"it's ok you're back, and i love you so much jinnie just promise you won't hurt me?"

"i promise."

jeongin gulped a little and shut his eyes hoping that this promise was finally going to work. hyunjin had fed him with so many empty promises in the past, saying he wouldn't hurt him before then abusing him mentally and physically.

"don't hurt yourself anymore jeongin, please." hyunjin whispered, feeling like he was being eaten alive by his guilt - all those scars on the delicate boys skin being from him in one way or another. he hated it, hated the fact he was so cruel to someone who deserved the world and more.