cigarettes after sex | hyunin

eighty

happiness was something most people took for granted, often underestimating how much you really need to be happy in order to be able to live without each day crumbling into pieces. how some days you can't even get out of bed or do simple tasks like brush your teeth because there's simply no motivation. happiness wasn't something you could fake nor gain at the click of a button, it was based on your surroundings and was luck really. no two people had the same measure of happiness, every one experienced life differently therefor different quality of life.

jeongin envied those who didn't fight for a smile on their face.

having to grow up and watch kids of his own age so happy, walking down the street to school holding the hand of their mothers who loved them dearly when he was walking himself to school at the small age of six. how he was terrified of being the kid who 'smelt bad' because he was never able to be bathed as often as normal kids. other children opening their lunch boxes to reveal lovingly packed meals or have money to get food from the canteen whilst he went without or rummaged for the left over food that was from dinner the previous night to bring to school so no one questioned why he was never eating.

"you're too skinny. why don't you just eat?" a boy once said, poking at his chest whilst the class was getting changed for pe. jeongin didn't know how to answer, knowing the real answer was because he wasn't fed properly and when he was given meals he didn't think he deserved it. "i just have a fast metabolism." he would always reply with but cry later, staring at himself in the mirror and poking at his ribs that were too visible for his liking.

his father would often catch him crying once he got back home from work whilst he was checking up on him. a frown on the mans face as he watched his some break down, "what's up fox?" "nothing." "did you eat?" "mom made tofu stew" "sounds delicious." but that was all lies. his mother did nothing but pop pills and fuck guys whilst his father was at work, taking advantage of the mans long hour schedule at his job and running with it.

he didn't eat. he couldn't. mom said to loose weight. he was ten.

jeongins father soon started to uncover habits of the boys mother, realising how she was a shit person overall and needed out. so that's what he did. although loving his son dearly he left and leaving the boy heart broken, any remaining hope for happiness the child had all gone. the only thing his father did before leaving was create the boy a bank and topped him up with money up on hearing the fact he wasn't fed or provided with anything.

"you're the reason he left." his mother reminded him often, yet stuck onto some random man like a leech. soon as the boy was left alone in his room he would uncontrollably cry, coving his ears to block out noises a child shouldn't hear and shouting. "why did you leave me?" was a question he asked to himself every single night whilst looking out of his bedroom window whilst sat on the ledge, feet dangling down as he looked at the height. maybe it would be easier if he did just fall?

as he got older and years past his mother only got worse, abusing him mentally and physically everyday and prodding at his insecurities. he often got called fat when he weighed around a hundred pounds which was underweight for his age and height, yet he believed her malicious words and only drank water and filled up on a slice of toast each day. he was constantly ill but thought it was normal really, he never knew different honestly.

even at his friends houses when they'd cook him meals he'd either turn the food down by saying, "moms preparing dinner now so i'll just eat at home." or going to the bathroom and throwing it up afterwards. he was so used to it that he never felt hungry anymore, only sick; the scent of food was enough for him to want to hurl.

although food was an enemy so were his thoughts, so dark that no one of his age should be thinking in such a way. as the years past they got worse, at the age of fifteen he had more mental heath issues then anything else - but all undiagnosed due to his mother not caring about him at all, she didn't even feed him so why would she take him to go see someone.