cigarettes after sex | hyunin

fifty-three

this looked wrong. felt wrong even. but jeongin needed it. he was wrapped up in chans arms in the olders apartment, occasionally mumbling something to eachother. sure he felt safe like this but it still felt wrong. jeongin didn't care how bad hyunjin was sometimes because when he was good he was amazing, but being in someone else's arms just made him feel so uneasy as it wasn't his 'jinnies'.

"why are you tense.. relax you know you're safe here." chan whispered onto jeongins neck, almost kissing his skin at how close they were. jeongin just sighed and nodded his head as usually chans comforting arms and soft spoken words helped him calm down but all he wanted to do was scream.

once they had parted, jeongin sat down on the couch and hugged his knees, thanking chan for draping a blanket around his body. "so.. what's happening? if it's too soon then you don't have to tell me but i'm always here baby." chan hummed, speaking in tone that was so familiar to hyunjin that it gave him goosebumps. even the use of the word 'baby' was weird to him now, despite it being a nickname chan had gave him ever since they met - not even saying it in a flirty kind of way.

"recently all we've been doing is arguing and making up with sex. but each argument he gets angrier and angrier... i don't even know what i do to make him mad anymore-" he paused and looked down at his hands, licking at his usually long and pretty nails that were now chipped and chewed down due to stress.

"and the sex.. it's so different. it's like i'm just a body to him. he doesn't even begin to care if he's hurting me or if i like it. in fact he goes harder when i say it hurts. he tells me it's punishment... it's cruel." jeongin whispered the last part, feeling himself begin to cry at the sensitive topic.

chan looked uneasy hearing jeongin talk, it felt horrible to hear such things as he was basically getting abused and he wasn't sure on how to tell him that. i mean, what really could the older do in this situation? tell jeongin to leave? it was so much more difficult then that.

"stay with me for a bit." chan suggested looking at the younger and lifting his face up so they had eye contact. it was like chan could see the pain in jeongins eyes, the same look he gave all those years ago when chan found him alone by the side of an alley - the same look when he was in his darkest times.

and jeongin felt it too. the sympathetic look on chen's face, how his expression was softened and his hands so kind on his skin. he missed feeling loved. feeling loved in this pure and innocent kind of way. not the torturous way he knew now.

"kiss me." jeongin said breathily, almost out of no-where, climbing onto chans lap who was in shock of the smallers sudden actions. how his hips were pressed down firmly and his lips close to chans.

"w-what"

"i said kiss me." the blonde was desperate, how he spoke was in a whine, as if he was trying to do anything to numb the pain, that maybe kissing chan would relive some kind of stress.

and so they kissed. a rushed and heated one, one that seemed like it could trail somewhere else. it was empty for jeongin but for chan so much more, he had waited for this moment for a long time. to finally get jeongin back and make hyunjin know that jeongin mo longer belonged to him.

once their lips parted chan went to jeongins neck, hungrily kissing and nibbling on his skin which lead to various different marks. yet none did anything to jeongin. in fact it just made him realise that no one can be hyunjin. no matter what the older did to him, he could never ever be replaced. maybe they just needed to start again. but jeongin just wanted to be ok again.

"s-stop.. this is wrong." jeongin yelped, pushing the older off and getting off his lap too. "fuck what is wrong with me! this is why hyunjin gets mad." jeongin screamed, throwing the first thing that he caught a glimpse on which happened to be a glass.

"jeongin!" chan stood up, his voice raising at the crazy sight of the younger. he felt like shit for taking advantage of jeongin at such a fragile state but all these years he had loved him he couldn't help it. especially in a time like this.

"i fucked up kissing you back but jeongin you can't go back to him!..." chan started placing his arms either side of jeongin so he didn't keep pacing around and shout random things. at least this was capable of making him still for a few more seconds

"hes fucking abusing you!"

and it was those words that made jeongin pause completely. stop dead in his tracks. he had never heard anyone say it out loud. to vocalise what was truly going on behind their 'perfect' relationship because he knew full well that it wasn't true. but jeongin thought that maybe if he believed they were perfect maybe one day they would return to how they used to be.

"n-no chan... that's not true- he loves me! h-he wouldnt ever do such a thing-"

how could he be so dumb? everything finally made him come to terms that hyunjin wasn't the man he fell in love with. no. he was so much different. hyunjin was no longer that pretty model he fell for, that boy who was so protective and caring. now he was just a shell of a man. a monster.

oh how stupid jeongin felt, how he relived his childhood all over again. the ways he would watch his mother repeatedly abuse his father until one day he finally left. how jeongin had witnessed what true abuse and manipulation was from when he was young - how you'd think he would be able to tell if that was happening to him.

no. he fell for it. he fell for all of hyunjins tricks.

"chan i need some space to think- i'll come back later..." jeongin gulped, and with that left towards the door. he opened it and shut it quickly behind him, closing his eyes and leaning up against the door. this was so painful, finally realising that this wasn't love, it was infatuation. an obsession.

"you finally decided to come out then? thought i would've had to kick the door down.."

"h-hyunj-jin?"

"

hey bestiesss !
are yall getting
the plot more
and what's going
on now ??
also my exams
start tomo !!!
i'm so nervous :(

- rin