B+Bs: To Stand In A Beast's World

40. Lay Bare

 When Mitchell did finally trudge back, the moons were fully risen. "Grace?" He called quietly. She could be asleep now and planned to leave if she was.

Rustling from inside told him someone was awake. He recognized the sound of Grace's footsteps. He didn't move when she opened the door, or when she sat beside him.

"Grace." He pulled apart his folded hands and rested his arms on his knees. "Can we talk?"

The roles seem to be reversed now. "Yes."

Mitchell didn't say a word for a time, but he did eventually break the silence. "Did you force yourself?"

I blinked "When?"

"When you lived with me."

That's a mine right from the beginning, but I was tired of holding back with Mitchell. "I did." I gazed at the sky full of stars. "I thought it was the only way to survive, and I wanted to survive."

Mitchell stayed so quiet, it didn't even sound like he breathed. "Why didn't you hate me for it?"

I wrapped my arms around my knees. Why, huh? "I think I did. No, I did but... not entirely. I hated a lot of things at that time. You were just one of them." I guess I was a liar. I had hated him at one point.

Mitchell's depreciating chuckle surprised him. "Then why did you consider welcoming me?"

I rested my head on my knee and thought about it. I couldn't answer right away. "I think I was chasing some kind of ideal." My voice trembled with emotions that surprised me. I always rationalized my choices, but apparently, that wasn't the only driving force behind those choices.

Mitchell didn't pry. It was good that his emotions still felt so far away. He didn't want to get angry or upset. He wanted to listen.

"I didn't hate you completely. I sympathized. I put myself in your position and suddenly I couldn't hate you with all my heart." Because I pitied him. Another victim who didn't get to choose the hand he was dealt in life. No... someone who couldn't even see that there were other choices in his life. It was sad.

"And you seemed to be trying." I didn't look at him, just at the landscape. "Despite having a weak concept of what decency was, you gave me the things I asked for. Everything but my freedom. Until you did." I quit speaking as I faced all those emotions for the first time without giving in to the compulsion to shove them away.

"I was really confused." Not that I ever let it show. Because confusion was dangerous. Confusion makes you hesitate and I couldn't afford that then. "I thought I was supposed to give you a chance. That I would be a lesser person if I didn't. That I had to be fair. That that was the right thing to do."

Mitchell's heart clenched as he listened. He really had no idea. Grace had these thoughts and feelings all along...but he didn't know.

I blinked away the moisture in my eyes and breathed. "And when you came back, I thought that ideal could come alive. You could learn and change, and I could open up and let you in..." My face twisted. "I think I-I was just trying to be a 'good person' and thought I needed to be optimistic about it all." But all I did was muddle things up with my family. It was just another compromise even if I didn't have to force myself as hard.

Mitchell swallowed despite his mouth feeling dry. He felt something, but it wasn't something he recognized. It was a brand new emotion that he couldn't describe. It was sad. He was sad for Grace and upset at himself for failing to take care of the person who accepted him.

"I..." He searched for the words to express this feeling. "I-I'm... I'm sorry." That was it. Those were the words he was looking for. He didn't know anything about his mate. He thought she changed, and he liked it. But that wasn't it...