An Outlet: Part 7

4 July, 2019.

In the morning, I resumed yesterday's leftover banking work. While coming back home, I decided to venture into unknown roads and try to find my way back home.

My area is FILLED with interconnected roads. It's a full web. People unfamiliar with the area probably curse the fuck out of our roads cause they're very confusing. I went with my gut feeling and took the turns I wanted. I thought I had a general idea of which direction I was headed until I came to a familiar place and realised that I would never the reach my house if continued on that route. I couldn't even understand how I landed up there in the first place

I guess I wasn't satisfied with that one adventure so I decided to take another unfamiliar route. I did reach the main road after a point (I knew all the routes from there onwards), but turns out I ended up not so far away from where I originally started. It was very anti climatic.

Oooh! I knew that Minju had played a brief role in some series but since it was apparently a very tiny role, I didn't really look for it. But guess what? Today I found out that this series is none other than A-Teen! Woah! Nice!

In the evening, dad and Alex got into an argument over Alex's masters' preparations. They've had a lot of these career related arguments ever since our 2nd year in college so I'm used to it. The arguments mostly revolve around either "differences in career path" or "unspoken expectations". Today was the latter.

Alex is currently studying at an engineering undergrad school. My entire family is mostly commerce oriented. But my dad does have knowledge about the engineering field, he was always interested in it and probably would've taken it up as a career back when he was a student. According to me, the reason why he seems to pressurise Alex so much is that unlike the commerce field, he doesn't have abundance of knowledge on how go about pursuing engineering as a career, post graduation. Which is why he wants Alex to make concrete plans so that he can support him accordingly.

Having said that, dad does seem to know things which he won't readily share. He wants Alex to figure it out himself and I totally get that. But there are times where he keeps expectations but doesn't communicate them to Alex. Then the arguments begin when Alex has apparently not met these unspoken expectations.

As for today's argument, Dad had asked Alex to give him a list of cities where his desired Universities are situated. He asked Alex to take his time but suddenly asked for them today and said that Alex doesn't seem serious about all this. Alex is confused and fed up with this hot and cold behaviour.

There are times when Alex discusses his frustrations with me, asking my opinion on things. Today was one of them. I helped him with his excel sheet and we made a list of cities and gave it to dad. I think my explanation for dad's behaviour made him calm down.

Dad will never force his decisions on us, even though it sometimes looks like he does it to Alex. Having said that, he will keep an eye on our move from the sidelines and help us wherever he feels we need it. He always looks at the big picture in such matters but misunderstandings are created when he isn't very vocal about them.

His approach to Alex and me has been totally different. He has been consistently behind Alex to a point where sometimes I get irritated on Alex's behalf. He hasn't done that with me but I have a feeling that it's going to begin, looking at how I'm legit not doing anything for my career.

I am so frustrated with myself. I have done nothing for my future. It's been a month since my exams got over and I haven't even started planning. I don't know what the fuck am I waiting for. Everytime I even start to think about jobs or colleges, I become hella anxious. And that prevents me from doing anything. I am not even taking anyone's help. Why am I doing this?!