NOTHING FEELS THE SAME

Chapter 83

Robbie sits down beside me and rests his head back against the rest. Ellie opens the door on the other side and sits beside me there. Great, I'm surrounded. A driver gets in the front and starts the engine. I turn to look at Ellie but her gaze is fixed to the window. "Ellie?" I whisper. She slowly turns her head to face me. Oh no, she's been crying. There are tears running down her cheeks and flecks of mascara around her eyes.

"What's wrong?" I ask, the alcohol has affected me more than usual, I'm not thinking straight. "What wrong!?" She repeats what I say, almost screaming it at me. "You almost got raped, again! And it's my fault, I'm here to protect YOU! Not your wife, not your baby, you! And what do you tell me? Your going to be with the boys, nothing's going to happen. Well that worked out well didn't it! That's it, you are not going out by yourself again" she spits at me, crossing her arms across her chest. "It wouldn't have been rape" I whisper, barley. I drop my head in shame. I was going to have sex with a stranger. And cheat on my wife. I'm a terrible husband, if I were Sam I'd leave me. Take Lily and run.

The rest of the drive passes silently, apart from Ellie's soft sobs. About halfway home Robbie started to snore softly. But I couldn't give a shit. I just kept rehearsing the conversation I was going to have with Sam in my head. I tried so many different things to say, but it always ended up with her leaving.

We reached the safe house at about 20 to 4. Ellie was first out of the car and raced inside. Robbie was still asleep so I shook him awake. "Rob" I muttered, shoving him in the side. He mumbled and slowly opened his eyes. "We're home" I said, bluntly. He just looked at me and got out of the car like a robot. Like he was on autopilot.

As I walked through the living room I noticed that Lily was still there in her cot. I only noticed because she was starting to wake. I walked over and picked her up, hoping to get to her before she woke Sam. "Hia baby" I muttered, carrying her to the kitchen to heat up some formula for her. Ever since we were drugged in the hospital Sam hasn't been able to feed Lily. I rock her slightly as the milk heats up whispering to her at the same time. When the formula is warm enough I take it back to the living room and sit on the sofa.

Holding the bottle up to Lily's lips she begins to suck. "Lily, I've done a bad thing. I was so stupid, out of my mind. I- I think this might be the last time that I- ah that I feed you. Hold you. Touch you. Look at you. Kiss you." I pause as tears well up in my eyes. I look away from her and blink slowly, the tears freeing them selfs and running down my cheeks. I take a deep shaky breath and look down at her. "I love you, and I love your mummy very much. I will always love you two and nothing anyone dose will ever change that. They can do what they like, I'll still love you. But she won't love me too" I look away again and through the blurry ness of my tears I see Lily's baby monitor flashing away. It's turned on.