Body Language. Queen

I'm Gay.

Roger's P.O.V.

I wanted to cry.
And I so very nearly did.

Everything I cared about had walked out on me in a split second.

All because I had been honest with him.

Because I was gay.

His face. John's face. It looked like it was broken. Like I'd truly let him down. I wanted to apologise and make it better but how? Apologise for what? Being myself? I couldn't change. No matter how many times I've wanted to. I couldn't. I'm gay. That's it. I'm sorry John Deacon but that's who I am. He didn't like it. Neither did I. So was that it? I loose a best friend and the only person Ive ever felt so strongly about in such a short amount of time? Was this what rejection felt like? Because if it is it can fuck off. I'd happily live a lie, date girls, marry a girl, just to get John back. Even just as a friend. I didn't care. Maybe not happily live a lie, maybe easily, but maybe not even easily but I'd live it. For John.

But then he would win. He'd have his way. I'd let him win because he meant so much to me but for what purpose?

I realised just how strong Freddie was now. To go through all this...and more. To get rejected and hated by his own friends because of who he was. I admired him now. How he didn't give a fuck what anybody thought of him. If they didn't like it, he would shove it in their face just to get back at them. He wasn't scared. He was proud. I remember when he would meet somebody new and pretend he was only attracted to girls to not cause a scene. Even though now he still sometimes goes for girls everyone knows what his preference is. He won't hide it anymore. Maybe he got sick of it, pretending to be someone he's not. Just like I did. With John.

How could he just walk out on me like that? Didn't he realise how hard that was for me? To tell him? I had run through every possible outcome in my head about what would happen when I did tell him. The good ones seemed far away now, I never actually expected the worst possible scenario to unravel from two little words.

I'm gay.

Maybe he just needed time to think about it? He's not homophobic. He doesn't have a problem with Freddie. In fact he was all smiles and hugs when Freddie came out to us.

So why was I any different?

"There you go, darling." Freddie's soft voice woke me up from my manic thoughts as I heard him place a cup of tea in front of me and take a seat opposite me on the kitchen table.

Yet I didn't look up. I didn't want to face anyone, yet I didn't want to be alone.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

I didn't answer. Couldn't sum up the energy to make my vocal chords work or to open my mouth to speak, or even lift my head up to speak to him.

I favoured the silent darkness instead.

Although my thoughts were much too loud.

"You know, he can't hate you Roger. It can't have anything to do with you being gay that made him walk out. If that was the case, he wouldn't still be talking to me either. Maybe...it was something else." I heard him slurp his tea.

I still didn't respond but I was listening to what Fred had to say.

"Maybe...it was just a shock to him? That one of his best friends who is notoriously known as the ladies man, doesn't actually like ladies at all." He snickered...but I wasn't up for any humour right now.
He sighed. "Last night, when we went out and I sent you to the bar, I asked John how his sex life was. He made a remark about how he didn't have time for women, so asked him, 'what about men?' He just looked down and shrugged..." he paused mid way through his statement.